nice mouth feel

ma-nure

2008-12-22T19:38:00.014-05:00

a few weeks ago i had a birthday, and i am now as old as other 28 year olds. to celebrate my day in the sun, i got in my car and drove into the sun. well, i actually drove to play some golf-a-roo at a nice local course.

after driving an hour in the wrong direction and yelling at meagan's navigation device, i arrived and saw this. it was early december, and i was pleasantly surprised to see that i had indeed found the sun.

it was a really nice course, and if you hadn't played it before you could get lost in the dr. suess bushes.

well, i had never played here before and i got myself into a bit of trouble.

nevertheless, it was still awesome. i played 25 holes, walked like 8 miles around a very nice area, and finished the round with a few snickers bars. i also got some mcnuggets because i really like that new commercial where there is a tower of wedding cake made of mcnuggets.

the week after my official bidet. when meagan finished her exams and papers (good job mego!), we headed out for some indian food and to furnish our home with a holiday-themed tree. i think we got a 40-footer, and it barely fit into our limo.

we also got all the other requisite crap people drape around and over their homes this time of year: stockings; garlands; shopping carts.

a pinch of mom....a touch of dad....and boom! tree baby! it was really fun to put this little guy together. except for the lights...the new lights sold in stores are different from the ones i am used to working with. that is, unlike normal lights, the lights we purchased from walmart would not connect to each other. this would have been very agitating if meagan hadn't been supplying me with margaritas.

the mantle was also festooned with the usual array of christmas balls and holiday bones.

this was all very exhausting, so we retired for naps and prepared for ensuing night activities.

indy was also very tired from chasing decorations around the house and eating tinsel.

to get the night going, we had few people over, ate a wonderful football-themed cake (provided courtesy of meagan).

post-cake, a group of friends headed to the local bowling lanes where we all proceeded to make complete fools of ourselves. even so, good times were had by all.

since bowling, i have been enjoying the warm southern weather with our newly adopted cat, "other", and have been preparing papers for a doctory conference in vancouver(!) this coming may. i really hope my papers are accepted, as i have never been to the northwest and desperately want to drive through canada.

i am now philly, and this is what awaited me when i arrived yesterday. ick. it wass 65 degrees when i left nc! ahhh!

well, it's not so bad, as my gmom let me borrow her ride for the week i am here. i think i'm gonna have to go carousing now.

here toblett makes his strike, then waddles joyously.

turkeys are for riding and calling, "whoa, big kitten!"

2008-12-08T20:51:00.022-05:00

so i'm not sure if anyone was aware, but last week was thanksgiving. it's a little holiday my close friends and family like to celebrate, and it commemorates when the pilgrims successfully warded off an invasion of aliens and predators. there was a movie made about it a few years ago with danny glover, but it was set in futuristic L.A., so it wasn't very realistic.

squirrel is only 5 months old, so this is her first thanksgiving. meagan forced her to get excited.

anyhow, this holiday is essentially an eating event. well, it's also a drinking event, and if your family is anything like mine, it is also an arena to air your familial grievances and catch up on juicy gossip about unknown relatives.

meagan and i, being displaced northerners, decided we would host this year. this meant we woke up early, survived the throng of shoppers at our local mart, and made side dishes to complement a turkey stuffed with a duck, that heretofore, had been living inside of a ham.

here meagan made a yukon potato something to complement my ham sauce. yum. our guests also brought stuffings, greens, pies and much to drink.

i don't really know why, but we always eat this dinner at a ridiculously early time. why is that? when we are old people, will we eat this meal even earlier? that would be scary.

anyhow, our friends began to show up at like noon and joined squirrel to watch the detroit lions get massacred. those poor lions. they're not going to win this year, are they?

right, so we had about 8 people come over

and they wanted what indy wanted....

a kitty cat! oh wait, that wasn't it. they all wanted a turkey. this was the first turkey i've ever made, and i didn't really know what to do. i called my mom like 10 times to ask inane questions, like, "where did the head go?", "should it's tail be this long?", and, "is a giblet the same as a gerbil?"

my mother, while stupefied with my idiocy, was extra patient, and in the end, kitty city et al. had exactly what they wanted.

when the food eating was over, we undid our belts, aired our grievances, and sat, drinks in hand, in front of the football proceedings.

and when i say football proceedings, i don't mean toby's junk. i mean we sat on the couch and consumed many-a-bag of cheese balls served from a football. why are these the best food in the world? anyone? anyone? cartwright?

my first southern thanksgiving was wonderful. as far as i know, people had a fine time, didn't stuff their food into their napkins, did not get boccilism, or food-related misery, and meagan had an excuse to terrify squirrel with drunken snuggles for an entire day! the only thing that could make this better is what i think makes everything better: an unrelated theme! maybe next thanksgiving can be "dress as your favorite animal", "80's rich", or "bring your lost son to thanksgiving day."

food is for eating, mostly.

2008-11-28T22:16:00.031-05:00

the holiday season is upon us, and this makes me think about all the food i am about to consume. moreover, it makes me think about all the wonderful food i have eaten since moving to north carolina. pictured here you can see a soup meagan made last month. my bowl had a footprint in it. i'm pretty sure it was an alligator.

so there are many rewards to eating sumptuous meals; for one, they make me less hungry, so that's pretty important. many times they are laden with high fructose corn syrup or soon-to-be-banned chemicals, and this makes my insides excited. and all those delicious polysaturated fats, while leaving me logy and lethargic, pave the way for the ever-wonderful food coma.

speaking of food comas and things i like to eat, it is time to file a report of my recent foray into the deep, great wonder that is the NC state fair.

for those northerners who are unfamiliar with the idea of a southern state fair, i will inform you that it's kinda like the fairs i've witnessed in pennsyalvania, just weirder. nascar is a common theme for the rides and games, elephant ears abound, the ponies are much cooler (smaller), and the population is mostly large southern families wearing palin buttons and dudes showcasing wicked teenage mustaches.

the entire point of going to this event was to get bloated and to consume deep fried foods while riding upside down on a zany-titled ride. and since i am a recent transplant to this area, i wanted to do it all. as such, i withdrew $100 from the atm and proceeded to eat one of everything. this included such southern delicacies as frozen poo on a stick(above), frozen cheesecake, and fried twinkies.

i've had fried mars bars before, so i felt somewhat prepared for the "oh no, i'm about to poop my pants!" sensation following fried candy consumption and confident this would not interfere with my desire to ride in the teacups.

there were also all sorts of vegetables slathered in butter and frying sauces. pictured here meagan is countering her fried dough with an unfried corn.

here vickie had peppers on her italian sausage monster. very delicious.

toby, being the guy he is (a mummy), could not have the meats.

nevertheless, he took the plunge and purchased some fried cobbler. like everything else, it was awesome.

oh right, this was the twinkie. kinda looks like a caveman's club.

epic dessert.

i also had some fries, which were less epic. i gave them my lowest rating yet: 6 thumbs up.

and we all enjoyed the fried mac & cheese. it had this spicy nacho sauce, which was good because i'm a man who loves his spicy nacho sauces.

to wash this all down i think i had a water. but thinking this over now, i really don't recall if i had anything to drink. maybe i didn't drink anything. is that possible?

anyhow, toby did have a drink, but he experienced a severe brain fart because he purchased himself a limeade. well, the joke was on him, because as it turned out, this drink was in fact gasoline. epic fail.

there were a few other munchies eaten, such as cotton candy, hot dogs, more fries, a bunch of candy (graciously purchased by toby and vickie in the candy castle) and more funnel cake. these were all very epic. and oh yeah, meagan and i had a tiff about whether funnel cake and fried dough are the same thing, and which is the better option. it turns out they are about the same thing, but are oozed out of different tubes into different shapes. i think i still lost the fight.

after watching meagan ride the zipper, we played a few games. i lost at the ring toss, toby won a crappy stuffed animal at the balloon/dart station, but then proceeded to win a unc-themed ramses animal after beating a 5-year-old at the water gun race.

as far as he was concerned, this was epic.

the fair was a really nice time, but after a few hours i really wanted to leave and go eat some ruffage.

before we could leave we all wanted to go see the animal races. ill maybe post more videos later, but here you will see either pigs or ducks racing around a track for the reward of cheese doodles. at the time i though this was a extra shitty treat to give these special little guys, but after this past weekend (where i consumed a drums of cheese balls) i must say that these are very smart animals. i would totally run around that track for a doodle.

art core....velay

2008-10-15T11:14:00.029-04:00

so i have not posted in a while, and i apologize to my friend josh, as he is the only one in the in cyborg/internet world who would ever notice. so, sorry josh. in the days to come i will post about many awesome things, such as the things meagan and i argue about, halloween, a footprint i found in my soup last month, hockey, bowling, hockey-bowling, and the NC state fair.

for this issue, however, i would be remiss if i did not mention that i am currently the champion of baseball. that's right, me! the champion! because i win at baseball! i am somewhat worried and confused about why this had to happen right after i moved south. but whatever, the phillies are the world champs!

having never had this experience, i'm not really sure how to feel about it all. the eagles are the perennial champs of licking their own butts, and then getting infected butts because they can't even do that half-way decently. and the phills, bless their little hearts, are never any good. well, they sometimes do ok and position themselves for the wildcard. but this is where it has always ended; in my lifetime the excitement has never resulted in a world championship, and every year the phillies have proceeded to not only shit all over thier playoff bed, but have succesfully scratched out my eyes and pissed all over my hopes.

at the start of this year's playoffs, the phills prospects again seemed bleak (well, they did to me). even when they were doing well, it was if there was no respect or hope for them, as indicated by the following: "The toast of Philadelphia is Matt Stairs, a balding hockey player with a squat body who was once nicknamed the Wonder Hamster."

(balding hamsters aside) i watched the playoffs in southern bars, twitching nervously as we slowly progressed into a contender. i even waited for a sign from above (like, say, a hale storm) that a world championship was never meant to be and that the phills would do as they always have and soon collapse.

well, as indicated by my joy above, this never happened. thus, when the last out was made, i jumped from my bar stool and yelped with such joy it sounded as if i had been trapped in some sort of orgasmatron machine.

so thanks, phills. ill never forget this! well, i won't forget this until next season, at which point i will forget and hate you again.

newman's dead?

2008-09-27T11:31:00.003-04:00

as per meagan's exhortation, i am obliged to report that indeed, newman is dead.

i have always enjoyed his movies, cookies and salad dressings, so this is a very sad occasion. meagan is more upset than i am, as she still believes (well, she did until this morning) that he was sexy enough to have sex with. so, goodbye paul newman.

taco flavored kisses

2008-09-25T20:57:00.018-04:00

ah yes, dinner time! wednesday night, using the veggies from this week's farmer's market i got a stew goin!

some peppers, squash, garlic and onions...

after juggling these around for a while, i chopped.

i could eat tomatoes for every meal. tomatoes on toast, with a touch of salt, pepper, and a bit of basil, is my new favorite treat.

anyhow, that's some good billy!

dinner was snackalicious, and when we were done meagan and i went to see the new cohen brother's movie. has anyone else seen this? do people "like" this movie? i'm still not sure. that scene where brad pitt gets shot through his head was pretty gross. and then when john malkovitch axes that loser on the street in broad daylight....wtf?

anyhow, since moving down here i've been cooking most of my meals, and it's nice to actually use my kitchen. however, there have been some issues correlated to cooking occurring in my kitchen. well, there are two issues, and one is my fault. the first issue is that meagan has a compost bin, and this has attracted flies. many, many flies. however, since the weather has changed, the flies have thankfully died. this leaves the second issue related to food morsels in the kitchen...

ANTS! droves and droves of ants, emanating from every crevasse and nook in our kitchen. will these die with the cold weather, or do i have to "do something" about this? well, if I can't get rid of them and they stay, I for one would like to welcome my new ant overlords. i just hope they don't make me work in their underground sugar caves.

ahh yes, and then there is kitty city. i'll have to get back on that later, since there are many things to report. at this point it's all very distressing and wet, so i'll need some time to decompress.

what is not distressing is this: the foundation for my zuul-fridge costume! have i mentioned that this year's halloween party is going to be awesome?

ok let's see.....the weather is decidedly cooler down here, which means a few things: the leaves are changing and becoming crunchy under my feet. it also means sweaters and pumpkin beers!

it also means indy doesn't pant like a maniac at the park. i still do, however.

oh right, and thursday night was taco night! i love taco night! i really would like to reinstate the american tradition of always eating the same thing for each night of the week. i've already told meagan that i want saturday night to be indian food night. and thursday was a good night for tacos.....so that leaves only 5 other nights where i have to forever commit to a certain food. suggestions? i think i'm down for anything, as long as it doesn't have the word "loaf" in it.

finally, last night, when i was having my shower, indy found his way into the bathroom, and he actually walked into the shower with me. normally, if he comes to greet me in the shower, he will merely poke his head into the shower, and maybe he will lick the wall a bit. last night, however, he jumped right in with me. not one to waste such an opportunity, i proceeded to lather him up and bathe him. he seemed to like it, but i realized that this a weird thing to do....you know, showering with your pet. i guess i've crossed that line that separates people who have animals, from those crazy pet owners who get naked with their pets. oops.

mister manager

2008-09-25T10:41:00.002-04:00

ok, so i love this picture! maybe when the gents come down for halloween we will get another. also, it's taco night! what could be better?

fine pipe weather

2008-09-23T22:00:00.027-04:00

i figured i'd fire up the briar and write a post about how finally the heat has left my southern home. i find this to be very satisfactory, as i no longer need to shower three times a day.

and things are looking up in other spheres for me right now. i'm starting to get secondaries for med school, which is nice, and my new job starts next week. also, the phillies look to be a playoff contender, and the eagles are only partially crapping their pants! but best of all, today at the farmer's market i found some deliciousness to make into a sauce for dinner. yum!

also, meagan and i just got a new dvd player, so i've started to revisit band of brothers (an amazing program), as well as arrested development this week.

and...and things on the kitty city front are slowly improving! meagan and i figured out that if we don't admonish her for biting us, then she doesn't pee in the bed! it turns out she was just being a resentful, urinating bitch! of course!

that's a pretty fair shake, if you ask me. i'll take obnoxious biting over puddles of urine every day of the week.

sadly, meagan is still having sudden shocks of fear in the middle of the night, worrying that the cat is peeing. this is both sad and very funny. "is the cat peeing? is the cat peeing? i think the cat just peed!" this is meagan and her coterie of study buddies.

and this is the view from our front porch. also very satisfactory. i've been spending my mornings out there reading and drinking my coffee. it's sooo nice and i can't believe how lucky meagan and i were to find this little house! it's exactly how i imagined myself a few months ago, rocking on my front porch, smoking a pipe, etc.

anyhow, yesterday morning i spent a while reading about necrotizing fasciitis. for those who don't know, let me tell you that you don't want that. it's so, so horrible, and if you get it somehow, well...you will most likely die, or at the very least lose parts of your body you probably don't want to lose.

like many others who continually read horrible accounts of rare diseases, i became paranoid that i'm gonna get this. so, to shake the paranoia and fear from my brain, i played with squirrel for a while.

aside from the biting, she's just what the doctor ordered.

very sphynx-like, i think.

and then i checked on meagan's flowers

and my cactus patch. looks healthy to me.

this definitely helped buck my paranoia of bacterial infections.

oh, and yesterday i was fortunate to play a round of southern, autumnal golf! i played a round with teo in august, and it was so ridiculously how that afternoon (104 degress when we teed off) i don't even recall the back nine. this round was much better. i even saw some deer on the course!

anyhow, for tonight i'm making a big dinner to celebrate hump day, and i think i'll work on my bloody mary recipe.

my friend josh, the current bidet

2008-09-20T20:45:00.021-04:00

so let me tell you a few things about my friend josh. today is his birthday, and as such, i would like to celebrate some of his unique and god-given abilities. for example, pictured here one can see how coordinated he is. not everyone can complete a shuffle pass to their own beer, you know.

and what else can one share about josh.....i've known him for so long it's hard to parse all his wonderful qualities. during the years i have known him he peed on the palace of justice in france, was attacked by a dracula on wheels in romania, arm wrestled nazis (also in romania), drank out of a boot while looking for alligators in the south, and became a master of global affairs.

but there is so much more to josh! for example, he has fine looking horns...

he has an enchanting musk that even makes him giddy.

and his bionic eye still makes me envious.

he enjoys taking his retarded little brother out of the house from time to time. so that's nice.

and he's not ashamed of his heritage! you go girl!

so drink up josh!

and put your party face on!

go have one of your trademark bizarre dinners. but, don't be disappointed, pointed, pointed...

have many beers, and then tell seth what you really think about him

because today you are the bidet boy!

happy bidet, josh! can't wait till you come down here and strap on a proton pack!

ssssssssss

2008-09-19T12:19:00.011-04:00

so i have a riddle for this blog's installment. well, it's more of a guessing game, really. ok, so here we go: what continues to go bump in the night in chapel hill? i'll give you a clue. it's the title for this blog post. think about it. before scrolling down, try sounding it out.

still can't get it? ok, it starts with "ur." give it a moment.

oh good, you got it! that's right, what goes bump in the night is the sound of urine forming a warm puddle between my legs at 7am.

i think my brain is broken with urine mist, because i really do smell urine everywhere now.
is it possible she knows how upset this makes me?

i miss waking up to this in alaska.

nothing but my own urine, or a bear attack, to spoil a night's sleep.
i love guessing games.

bridled enthusiasm

2008-09-17T21:39:00.019-04:00

so to get away from a house awash in urine, meagan, indy and i took to the country. also, since it is getting a bit cold at night, we wanted to see the country before fall hits.

i think we drove for about an hour or so, and i'm not sure we saw more than 5 cars the entire time. just cows, horses and tobaccy.

there were a bunch of really nice 'dream houses' like this one, which had ponds, animals, quaintness, and maybe a Frankenstein out back.

this is my favorite. embiggen to see the sign.

and speaking of Frankensteins, the theme for the Halloween party is set! for this year the plan is to not dress up as mummys with erections (my best idea to date!), but instead to have a 'ghostbusters-themed' party. to attend, one must be dressed as a character from the first (maybe second) ghostbusters film.

for example, toby will be dressed as winston, and i'm pretty sure meagan will be that nerdy secretary that likes egon. i'm gonna dress as sigourney weaver's fridge that has the creature inside that says, "Zhoul!" i can't wait!

josh and seth will be attending, and this will most assuredly change my wife. i really can't wait to post pics from that party. i can only guess that seth will be egon, right? josh, on the other hand, is a wild card. i wonder what he is gonna be. maybe rick moranis? i really don't know. i just want to see my friends wearing proton packs, crossing the streams, etc.

oh right, the drive in the country was amazing.

unbridled enthusiasm

2008-09-17T12:01:00.018-04:00

so i finished my medical cat, and as i mentioned previously, meagan and i got a regular cat. well, a kitten cat, who i call kitty city. in this pic you can see her helping me study.

we found her while shopping for eggs, and after her fleas and farts subsided, she turned out to be a nice companion and addition to our southern home. she reads with meagan, plays with indy, smells like a kitten should (fluffy), and does all those kitten things that make everyone coo.

however...

she's a terror. an absolute terror. yes, kittens should be curious, and yes there is a learning curve and adjustment period to domestic life...

but she is unstoppable. at this point i would prefer that she still had those king kong farts.

she looks cute, but she really pisses us off, and meagan's newest refrain is, "i'm gonna punch you in your kitty cat face!"

of everyone in the house, indy is the most tolerant. he ignores her constant nagging and tail biting, (as i do with meagan), and tends to keep a level head when she's climbing all over him.

an example of her terror is her new and exciting habit of peeing in our bed. while this may sound like fun, and maybe an invigorating way to reinvent your night life, let me set the record straight and let everyone know that it doesn't. in fact it sucks. really sucks. at first i thought this was an annoyance, and i was somewhat confident it would tail off as she learned, as i did, that pissing in the bed leaves you covered in urine, and as such, is a terrible idea.

so imagine my surprise last night as i was playing in one of our plants when i came across this...

as indy is showcasing here, kitty city peed on our futon. compared to her previous piece's of work, this one is also a small, yellowish circle, comprised entirely of urine. that's right, she's taken to pissing on the couch in my rumpus room! oh, the joy!

talk about your pieces of crap.

why do you continue to pee where i don't want you to pee?

so this week i've washed our comforter 3 times and now have a urine couch. since i can only flip this cushion once, i'm getting a bit nervous. in fact, i've become a wee-tad paranoid that there's urine everywhere; i imagine it's in the air, under my bare feet, dripping from the ceiling. if i hear a drip anywhere in the house i bolt from my chair, and meagan has become accustomed to hearing me say, "i think there may be urine on this."

and meagan isn't exempt from this urine craze either. i've heard her wake up at 4am saying, "i think she's peeing!"

why oh why? im not sure what to do at this point, as this is one of those problems that is best attended to while the culprit is young. if i don't deal with now, i'm afraid that by the times she's 4 months old she could be smoking. so maybe if i got an electric blanket that would help. ill see what the internet says about that and report back later.

sleep tight mates!

2008-08-26T09:27:00.007-04:00

ive been doing so much studying for the medical cat and have kinda hit the wall. so i figured my edge would come from getting a real cat! a kitty cat!

actually, i was making breakfast for meagan and her sister and friend, and for some reason the eggs in the fridge froze. so, i dragged meagan to the store with me, and in front of the entrance was a box with "free kittens" written on it. well, one thing led to another and meagan got herself a 4 week old kitten.

her name is squirrel and she has fleas. a lot of fleas. meagan took her to the vet yesterday and she weighs 0.7lbs. she also has monumental farts. serious, stinky farts! how can such a cute, little creature have this unusual gift? i hope that goes away.

yeah, Tony says you better step off

2008-08-17T17:54:00.029-04:00

so meagan and i went to the smokies this past weekend. she prepared herself for the school year, i read physics for the medical cats, and indy just ran and swam.

we went to a place called lake james, which is like 3 hours west of chapel hill.

meagan was in charge of the fire making, and indy helped me with kinematics

the first night we took a hike with indy to an overlook, and it was amazing. its still funny to think that i live in the south now.

sleeping was ok, and meagan made banana pancakes in the morning.

there was a lake, but meagan couldn't swim because it was infested with wriggling children. so, she and indy hung out while i studied.

i took a break and we all went down to the place where dogs can be off leash...

and this was heaven for indy.

when we lived in the city, indy never really swam. i guess he needed to be in the country, because he swam non-stop for like an hour!

after the lake, meagan made another fire and we ate tofu pups, ramen, miso soup, coffee, hot cocoa and popcorn.

then more studying for me and hamlet for mego. i think we got in a fight because i told her i didn't enjoy reading hamlet in 12th grade.

that night it rained pretty hard, and i had to put the rain guard on the tent in the middle of the night. also, i also woke up thinking an animal was trying to get into the tent, and it was a scene similar to that bill bryson book where he hikes the AT and wakes up to snarles and claws on his tent. it turned out it was only indy, so that was a relief.

also, that night i had this awesome dream where i made an unassisted triple play (it was actually a quadruple play, but i didn't realize that until i woke up) for the unc baseball team. we were playing the japanese national team and the characters from 30 Rock were also playing. after i made this career play, the manager came out to the mound to yell at tina fey because she and floyd had ordered too many items from the menu at the ballpark. i think these were all UVA menu items, like crab cakes, and that made the manager more upset.

so we packed up sunday morning and drove home the long way, avoiding highways for local roads. this was one of the many churches we saw. i think this one had a sign that said something like, "prayer is a christian's vitamin."

and then of course there were signs for things that josh would love.

try to embiggen this, because it tells you the calendar schedule for crayfish! i love the south.

and we're back!

2008-08-14T09:45:00.011-04:00

so i live in north cackalacky now. i'm studying for my medical cats, so nothing of real note has happened. indy did have a bit of a run-in with the raccoon that likes to eat our trash. so that's pretty exciting. the raccoon actually walked down a tree right beside our porch to snarl at me and meagan. it was creepy.

meagan is finding her niche down here. so that's nice.

she started a garden in our yard...

and we go to the park every day to let indy run around. that's really about it up to now.

i really like living here, but i had to leave behind weiners like these...

but now i have this. so it's not a total loss.

having 27 bidets, you better believe that's a paddling

2007-09-19T23:05:00.000-04:00

well, it's that time again...

look closely and you will see that today josh came into possession of a new bidet...

that's right! now you have 27!!! good job! only 3 more bidets until you get the 'almost middle-aged royal wooshing throne'!!!!!

that's also a paddling.

seymore, the house is on fire.

2007-09-04T20:07:00.000-04:00

so it finally happened. i went to alaska to bask in the cold mist that is august in alaska. i've been wanting to go for about forever, and as i kid i always made my parents slow down on the road if i saw an alaskan licence plate. as such, one of the first things i did when we arrived (aside from sprinting out of the airport with a pair of binoculors, looking for bears) was take way too many pictures of licence plates.

this is what is looks like when you fly into anchorage. water, water, water, orca, water, land! also, and i'm not being coy here, alaska is REALLY far away. it took something like 12 hours from JFK. i should have thought about that at some point beforehand. and also, meagan and i sat next to the most annoying person on the plane into anchorage. why did that have to happen? we were clearly on a relationship trip, and were trying to play cards, and he was like,hey, what are those, cards? i would love to play. this guy was not my kind of guy, but he wasnt as bad as the old man who yelled at toby (for supporting capitalism, was it?) on the way to slovenia. that sucked.

anyhow, the aerodrome in anchorage is amazing because it's not a plane. also, there is stuffed 'wild' animals everywhere.

par example. this was at the luggage thingy, where there were many groups of men pickingup their guns to go hunting. i also saw a halibut the size of a car. neat.

this is what anchorage looked like when we arrived. it was cold and rainy, and because we were so tired from sitting next to professor choas we really didn't care.

we had a great meal of pizza and beer the first night at a place called the moose's tooth, and if you are in achorage i suggest you go because there are like 20 taps of their own beers. i was too tired to try them all, and during dinner meagan and i just sat and stared at the locals, thinking,"holy shit! these people are alaskans!" what the hell were they soing there?

the next morning meagan woke me up at 7am, we had huge breakfast at a place where everyone was chipper (actually, everyone in alaska was nice. what's up with that. they would just wave to you if they walked by. weird.) and then strolled around through the rain. meh.

there really wasn't much to do in anchorage if you dont have a car, so we ended up walking like 10 miles, trying to see the sites. during this day three good things happened: meagan spotted giant salmons,we both had amzing pie at a place called peggy's, and we ate what i think we both considered to be the freshest fish ever at a place called humpy's.

the salmon really were that big.

after anchorage we rented a car and drove north to find wild animals and maybe some more pie.

i really couldn't get over the scenery, and i have about 40 pictures like this one.

this is by the entrance to denali national park.

and this was just outside fairbanks.

we camped in fairbanks and then took in a museum that was stellar. the artisit of a current exhibition had great pictures and stories about the wildlife he took pictures of, stories like being attacked and pecked in the neck by snow owls. however, this guy was recently pulled from his tent and eaten by a bear. yikes.

everyone i spoke with had harrowing stories about bears/moose/cayotes. but not polar bears. the only sight i ever saw of polar bears was in a biker bar where some dude had hung up pictures of polar bears he had killed.

this was a big bear. and there were similar ones to this one everywhere. and i mean everywhere, like in restaurants.

after the museum i stared at a golf course, hoping meagan would suggest that i play. that didn't happen, so we drove north to chena hot springs and saw this. it's funny, because when we first arrived we were pulling off the road and taking pictures of all the really beautiful things, but by the end of the trip were kinda inured to all the beauty. meh,another rainbow. meh, another bald eagle.

the hotsprings was kinda like that show on nikelodeon, 'hey dude.' it was hokey,but we camped for cheap and the hotsprings was amazing. i think i'm finally cured of my monsterism. we also saw some "fresh" bear skat and bear print in the mud immediately off a trail we were hiking. awesome. i would have totally chased that bear.

i found a twinke for breakfast at our hotsprings campsite, but meagan didn't care because we woke up at 2am to see the northern lights but nothing ever materialized. (it did happen the next night, but we didn't try and wake up for it. shit.)

driving south from the hotsprings we saw a cow and her calf on the road. i mean, like right in front of us. being the super-duper idiots we are, we walked up to them, not knowing that if the cow saw us as a threat she would murder our faces off.

ok, after riding the moose for a while we went camping in denali park...

where i saw this jem. it may be better than the moose.

this is one of the many glacial streams in the park. meh, glacial stream.

and this is the view from our tour bus. insane. i mean, really insane.

fortunately for us, our tour guide was amazing and had great information to share about the park. unfortunately, he liked to read his poetry over the load speaker as he drove. also, this was the only caribou i got a picture of. crap. i did see one other caribou much closer, and it had antlers till tuesday, but it was in 5-foot tall brush and i couldn't get a decent shot of it.

braided glacial streams. meh.

yeah, so this is a bear. a wild, grizzly bear. with claws and teeth designed to make it easier to eat me. in it's grizzly mouth, where it has bear teeth. holy shit.

our tour guide made it know that bears really dont like meat and would much rather prefer to eat other things, like tobys. i also learned that moose eat something like 90 pounds of twigs every day, just like the wild alaskan toby!

this was the main cabin at one of the hostels where we stayed. it was great because all people talked about were bear/cayote attacks and close encounters. it was sweet.

this is mount mckinley, the highest peak in north america. meh.

ditto

ok, in this pic i was trying to photo document a blad eagle that was flying alongside our car for a bit. i couldn't get him in the pic, but as you can see, driving south to the kenai from anchorage is ahhh....beautiful. this is cook inlet and there are belugas in there. mooo!

we spent a day in seward where glaciars meet the bright blue water.

and we toured the marine life museum/aquarium. amazing. i learned that birds can swim.

i also learned that although giant crabs can really freak you out, they cannot give you crabs.

this may be the best pic. we camped right on the water by a glacier in downtown seard. we also had the best dinner of the trip in this weird, old town. fish, beers, dessert. incredible.

the view from inside the tent. sigh.

awakening in the tent.

ok, this is the sight driving into homer from seward. again, mountains and ocean.

embiggen this so you can see what i'm talking about. like most other places we went, it was too beautiful and looked more like a set in hollywood.

for our last night we rented a cabin on a farm on the beach. that's right. you heard me. a farmonthe beach. (the farm is actually owned and run by Jewel's aunt. funny.) anyhow, this was our private beach-front view.

and this was the cabin.

it's hard to see here, but the view was amazing. the tide was in when we arrived, but when we came back with supplies for dinner, the tide had gone out like 400 yards. what the hell?

in conclusion, we drove like 1200 miles and had great weather every single day but the first. i can't wait to go back with the idiots and get mauled by a puffin.

i cant work the knob

2007-08-15T20:48:00.001-04:00

so, i'm in my room, getting ready to go to alaska for a mighty 11 days and nights, i'm listening to a instructional pedal steel cd, which is good, but not great because i prefer noel to be a bit faster and with distortion. anyhow, i'm sitting here trying not to upset my lymes disease (which is most definitely not skittles, as toby would say) and i came across some delicious photo pictographs of times down yonder. take a look at these diamonds and i promise you you'll question where the world is headed. that is, i started off with romania pictures (speaking of which, does anyone have the video of us speeding through those villages listening to the yeah yeah yeahs???) and everything else just kind of followed it's own momentum until the rich tapestry finally wet itself.

par exam-pluh: dr. gobbles.

anyhow, i need to figure out how much this alaskan bear tax is going to be...

wash u ass

2007-07-25T07:35:00.000-04:00

big old toby (captions to come)

2007-06-14T12:26:00.000-04:00

how i lost my kraken virginity

2007-05-30T15:19:00.000-04:00

what is that, a clarkman?

2007-05-21T16:20:00.000-04:00

well, i'm back from star island and it was wonderful. the first two days were warm and serene and it felt amazing to be out of the city.

this is the boat that took us to the island from portsmouth.

the weather was so nice that meagan and i were able to sit on lawn chairs during the entire 70 minute ride.

and this is what i saw after our first day of moving furniture.

i was really surprised at the smallness of the island. i would wager a guess that its only like 30 acres or so. these are some of the homes for the people who come to the conferences held on the island

so the first night meagan and i walked around and even had a quick swim in the freezing ocean.

the whole point of the trip, in case people are wondering what i was doing on an island, was to help the employees open the hotel and to get things in order for conference season.

that meant i was able to do some lawn work while other people painted, mopped floors, etc.

it was great because there were only like 20 people on the island

after the first two days the winter weather showed up and it was way to cold and rainy to take pictures.

all that happened was moving beds, raking grass clippings...

taking apart bed frames, sitting in chairs...

and looking at the pictures i was fortunate enough to have already taken.

we stayed in a cottage similar to this one. it was very nice, except there was no running water, electricity, or heat. oh well.

and get this, i barfed three times on the lobster boat ride back to the mainland because of a storm that was so bad i really thought i was going to die at sea. it really was the worst. the absolute fucking worst and i will never get over how terrified i was. good times. anyway, it was a great week and meagan and i got back to brooklyn in time for her birthday dinner and a cupcake eating contest.

my home is the sea

2007-05-11T11:59:00.000-04:00

so, school is out for a few weeks and i am currently preparing to leave the city for a week of new england islanding. that is, i will be hauling furniture around a 19th century hotel on an island off the coast of new hampshire for a week. doesn't sound like much, but it's certainly better than physics lab

ok, let's see....what else is happening? well, i bough tickets to go to alaska. thats's pretty neat. oh yeah, after this week i'll be on my way to a yurt in upstate NY for meagan's bday.

and after that, i will head on down to the lousy shores of tobiana where we will run around, kick 39-yaard fieldgoals and eat iced cream

i realized that i have absolutely no new pictures to post, so instead i hope these oldies but goodies suffice for josh and his office boredome

there really is nothing better than this picture

unless, of course, we consider this fine specimen. do have any better pictures of seth? i doubt it.

you can see toby craving the impending bone sandwiches

so in conclusion, wish me luck in new hampshire

oh, that's rasberry!

2007-03-29T11:07:00.000-04:00

ok, so i've been studying and will study no more. last week, to distract myself from the hard sciences i decided to see that had been growling from withing the depths of our furry fridge. i half-expected to come across one of those creatures who yells, "Zhoul" at you (like ghostbusters I)

and well, that's pretty much what i found. i think this little guy tried to bite me!

so what else is new?

seth and claire went to Turkey, to presumably make out.

who could resist?

so im off to the park with the bubba before our next snow storm/heat wave come rumbling through.

everyone in the chunnel!

2007-03-08T08:39:00.000-05:00

ok, so the time has come and the day is here....that's right, it's time for claire to be the birthday boy or girl! good job claire!

so let's celebrate, drink some alcoholic beers and bask in claire's warm basking glow.

(i had to include this)

and this

and im not sure if this is claire's ass....is that wrong?

birthday girl

2007-02-13T11:47:00.000-05:00

so toby has finally bagged himself s a homer and is turning an older age today. let us all bask in his warm aging glow.

so here area few things about toby. he has poo fingers...

and although he was spotting raccoons all the way down from the catskills, he in reality cannot see anything. not even a mailbox.

he has yet to master the use of his hands,

but that doesn't stop him from making friends with other disadvantaged, supernatrual friends, like mummies, eskimos, elves and vampires.

but don't cross him, and please keep your hands inside the car,

because he tends to go nuts with the skin (tofu skin) eating.

he has many interests, like looking.

and he's a jack of one trade: pooping (and fixing pooping problems). ok, two trades.

hmmm....what else is there?

well, he's sexually involved with his male friends, so he's not sweating it either.

in conclusion...toby is a land of contrasts.

you have an enchanting musk sir.

2007-02-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

ok. so a few quick notes before i rush up to school and flush my head down the chemistry library toilet...indy is large and completely in charge (of the livingroom chair. our only chair).

last week i took my winged friends to a superbowl diarrhea-a-thon which was krustariffic, aside from the football playing. well, the first play was exceptional, but i realized i would rather be playing golf, in a casino making money to pay for med school, or maybe even getting a tan in one of those booths...you know, the ones with the cosmic rays that make you look like a carrot in the wintertime. yeah, i sure could go for some carrot skin right about now.

right, this is some of the fodder from last week. we had 3 pizzas, bagel bites, which indeed have made leaps and bounds in terms of quality since the late 1990s when i last ate these fellows, stick of "mootzarell" and a marshmallow cake, which incidentally turned my insides black. awesome. and oh, there were dips aplenty. what a time to be alive.

hmmm. where do i know this fellow from?

ah yes. i couldn't mistake that rump from anywhere! it's seth!

and let's just bask in the warm basking glow that is this picture. i wish i could focus in on toby's prancing better...

oh that's right. i can. i can't believe i was able to capture the sole moment when toby let down his guard and considered being happy. got ya! thumbs up indeed toby.

rolling with the homies? more like homos! up top!

look like stalin

2007-02-01T17:44:00.000-05:00

right. so i have recently been making jokes about how it's funny that i am aging with time and am displaying some interesting 'older gilhouse' traits. for example, nothing, and i really mean nothing, makes me happier than a good parking space. not even a trunk pizza. i often comment to meagan walking down the street (any street, mind you) about nice, available parking spaces, and sometimes add "wouldn't it be nice if we lived here on this street and had that parking space?" it's like the bris/pigman episode on seinfeld when george want to show the newly-born baby that if you apply yourself you can still find good parking in the city.

any hoodly-doodle, today i received yet another sign that i am getting older with time. but unlike my quirky personality developments, this one is less of a horn-honker.

so today i went to get my haircut and it took only 10 minutes total. snip, snip. all done. get lost no hair. not only that, the woman made a point to trim my eyebrows (while making a joke in russian to her co-worker and then making the same joke to me in english about how absurd my eyebrows are). then she moved on to my ear hair, and after that, get this, she had to undo the bib thing to gain access to my evidently never-ending track of neck-cum-back hair. while this was happening all i could think about was that i rather enjoyed all the pampering.

so what i'm saying here is how i'm surprisingly ok with my body's decision to reallocate its hair. fucking sweet if you ask me (don't ask meagan).

so, i will not hang my head in shame (pictured above at a cracker barrel in VA), but will instead eat yet another triple burger with secret fattening sauces.

50 whacks with a wet noodle

2007-01-27T12:50:00.000-05:00

so where are we? well, im back in school and i suppose that is nice. and...well, i've been reading toby's blog about the superbowl. and that's nice as well. guh, that's really about it. but oh! indy is back and in full form. welcome back, bubba!

we played poker last week and claire really cleaned up.

since claire was drunk on the power of victory, i had to protect her bosom from the ever-dangerous erin.. i dont guess erin was to happy with this.

and oh! there was a condom wrapper in the couch! man was that exciting. i'm really not sure to whom it belongs, so i'll just say it belongs to chris. (we all know it could not be mine, given my smooth area issue.) evidently. this condom was very attached to our family, and refused to leave our apartment. the more the merrier, i always say.

which brings us pretty much up to date. so let's re-re-re-visit romanija. here is toby's "dessert" from a chinese restaurant in brasov. ick. oh wait, maybe this was a fruitcup...toby? what was this?

here is the herdsman's platter, or something like that.

and yes, here you can see toby and josh being drunk on power.

and my dracula pizza.

a glunk. dear god!

2007-01-25T14:51:00.000-05:00

so there have been many-a-post about the idiot patrol's travails through the romanijan countryside. Since I am currently bestowed with the power of video, I will post some god-like moving pictures of what we saw. (note: video of Seth humping the bedpost not included.)

do you notice the wind sound? Well, it's wind, and it blew. If I can recall, I think we noticed. it wasn't that bad because josh and toby could just head back to our hostel and change into some other wet clothes. so they weren't sweating it either.

Anyhow, do you notice the twirling motion? It was necessary to assist in the digestion of horse, dracula pizza (pizza with tabasco instead of sauce), pear brandy, and, of course, to ensure that we were not being outflanked by roma.

which leads us to a sausage breakfast with...

you guessed it! head bobbing to traditional romanijan music. If you really train your eyes, you can see our skin falling off. ahh, the memories.

and now what replaces the whale in my nightmares...hot babes!

I bet toby would want to show these gals a bad time. am I right or am I right? Anyhow, romanija surely is the land of hot middle-aged women. or hot, young women. either way. these ladies surely helped us in that pee-soaked heck hole.

go horse!

more asbestos, more asbestos!

2007-01-25T12:21:00.000-05:00

so i have acquired the intelligence necessary to post videos, and boy howdy....something, something. here is a video of seth and doodle "dancing." unlike the taco bell commercial, seth's "moves" are bad to stay.

talk about being sad, stop, unlucky.

furthermore to this post, i would like to thank the tobs for his information sharingness. here is the conversation he and i had via internet-machine. very funny.

me: hey, homer sexual
how do you get youtube stuff from youtube onto blogger?
ive been trying, but no good

Toby: ah
on the youtube page, there's a line that says "embed."
so you copy the stuff that's on that line

me: this better work because i have a video of seth dancing

Toby: ok

me: and the one from you guys in romania, nodding to that song

Toby: do you see the thing that says "embed"?

me: not yet, im waiting for the webpage.
doodle and chris ate bull penis last night for dinner

Toby: i see

me: where is this embed thing? top or bottom?

Toby: let me see. ok, it's to the right of the video

me: i see

Toby: there's a line that says "url" and then below that a line that says "embed."

me: stay tuned to my blog in the next 15 minutes!

Toby: ok, but there's more to it. you copy the text from the embed thing, which is "code" i guess. then when you go to your blogger after you choose to start a new post, you'll see that the new post window has a tab for "compose" or "edit html"

me: hmmm

Toby: you'll see it. it normally just goes straight to "compose," because that's the normal thing it's to the right of where you write the title of the post

me: ok ill try

Toby: do you see it?

me: indeed i do

Toby: so you click on the html thing

me: yes...

Toby: and then you paste the code from the youtube thing.

me: good golly this is complicated. or not. either way

Toby: yes

me: i have so many nice things to share. three, really

Toby: now, if you go back into "compose," you won't be able to see the video yet, which is frustrating. but it'll be there when you publish

me: ok
its gonna be -7 tomorrow with "snow squalls"

Toby: woof

me: indeed

Toby: ok, have to go to work

me: ok
youll be happy in about 10 min, or less

me: ahhh. it didnt work
there is just the url of the youtube thing

Toby: that suggests that you didn't put it in the "edit html"
section
oh, no, i see what you did
just went to your site. you copied the url, not the embed thing

me: i...see
here goes!

Toby: so there's the url, which is what you have, which is the link t o the youtube site, and the embed thing is below that. it should start with some nonnsense like "object width" and have a bunch of symbols and shit

Toby: i'll look at the internet site when i get to work

me: it is done
it worked!
just like you said it would
liar!

just one thing: it was vapor lock

2007-01-25T11:54:00.000-05:00

here you can see josh on toby, like stink on a josh

and here, toby frolfs, and yes, god love him, he scores!

watch out! he's got his probe!

2007-01-16T17:02:00.000-05:00

so i have a video of toby doing the icky shuffle, but can't post it yet. for the time being feast on more nc pics.

i sent you bengay

2007-01-11T18:18:00.000-05:00

here are a few pics from my camera phone...i will talk about them later. enjoy

Murphy, you are an elf, uncontrollably

2007-01-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

right. so new years happened and it was very nice, particuarly since both sheena and moon-faced eddie munster came to brooklyn. i drank a bottle of champagne, tackled some people (sorry people) and even had a conversation about jam bands. it was very nice.

but new years eve is nothing compared to flying to north toby with the remainder of the idiot brigade. as witnessed by the sign, toby was ready for us when we got there.

and i was more than ready to start binging on southern fast food. here you can see the carolina classic, brought to you by wendys, i believe. i think it s aburger with chili, unidentified meat, slaw and mustard; it was most unarousing, and as such, i had to chase it with two orders of nuggets.

toby took us to all his local haunts; the libary (where he rents up movies), taco bell, the local glory hole, and the local prancing grounds.

seth does not prance, but instead confidently walks to the center of the playing field, bends over and waits for another man to penetrate his butt. toby claimed this never works on this particular field, but seth showed him.

after some athletic gayness we went back to toby's for an extreme elimination challenge. i believe josh won.

yadda, yadda yadda, we ended up in asheville where i did not take a picture of my friends not going into a hooters. i, on the other hand, went into the hooters where i had four pitchers of beer and watched billiards on a tv in the bathroom.

after Asheville we prepared ourselves for a jaunt into the tennessee wilderness. here you can see toby "preparing" with seth.

blogger won't let me post more than a few pictures, so i'll summarily say that we ate at a shoneys, were chased by a pickup of hillbillies wielding pitch forks and barely made it out of gatlinburg with our oily hides.

this is a picture of the blue ridge parkway where i ate a rancid trunk pizza. the drive was great (warm weather, sunshine, golfing across highways and rivers, etc.). the only problem was that every tunnel we passed through we played this game where we had to hold our breaths, but toby(who didn't hold his breath) thought it funny to slow down, which in turn almost killed us. i'll post more soon. eat my wig

tis, replied aunt helga

2006-12-21T11:10:00.000-05:00

to keep up with the style of the time, i'm playing reruns of classic krusty. enjoy.

i think this was the first time seth had a meal that was sweating. i also seem to recall us saying, "oh no" after eating most meals.

"roar", goes the wig!

as the saying goes, this picture really ages with time.

what i mean is... ahem, they get better and better. you could run for president with this picture, josh .

this is the best. we had not slept for about two days, were full of hate, and if you look closely enough, you can see josh bleeding acid. i remember on the way to this first restaurant we took a cab after walking half-way there, thus accruing the necessary baseline soggy, sutt level we would carry through the rest of our adventures. the cabby was very happy we were american and put some britney spears on the radio. then he didn't know exactly where the restaurant was, ran down a street to get directions, at which point i believe i said goodbye to my friends, expecting to be mugged and stabbed with a bic pen by the cabby's accomplice. the driver eventually found the place and almost hopped the curb and drove over a concrete barrier to give us door-front service. what a time to be alive

and the thing de la...thing. arms crossed, lots of worry. no camera, no clothes, sensing that we were about to be very cold and drunk for more than one week... god i felt so bad for them. at least i had the selfish insight to take this picture, thus setting the precedent for future trips. next time, you guys capture my humiliation. agreed.

note: if you look closely enough you can see toby saying out loud, "i should have erased those pictures of me masturbating. they must never know."

and yet again, seth's breakfast. isn't this the one he ate whilst stroking?

simba, on the ball!

2006-12-17T00:08:00.000-05:00

that's right, on the god damned ball! that's where i am...except i have to solve for the volume and density of the ball, implicitly differentiate it, and then...and then i have to determine whether it is isometric or isochoric. toby, how come you omitted to tell me about the rigors of scholastiana? your butt is up your butt so far you're peeing butt.

i feel right now like i did in the back room of that romanian strip joint where they made us drink the beer.

i also feel like i did when i made an attempt to assimilate into the world of the prarie dog (which is something i think was in the news last week...in wyoming?). whatever.

i really wish i were on the couch with a big bag of potato chips. mmmm, potato chips. either that, or driving the megan sedan in bucharest traffic, sans hands.

i recall when i got into school and thought, hey, i'm gonna be a doctor. that'll be fun. nope. even my taco saw the impending horror.

i saw no horror (pictured)

i thought it would be gravy and hoagie hands from there on out.

and people came over and we drank. and i saw sarah and dave, and that was nice.

and seth fell in love with his penis haircut, which is what did it for claire, from what i've heard from claire.

so it's back to the dungeon kitchen where i used to have cupcakes

aren't they nice cupcake? the W stands for tungsten, you know. it does.

is there an orange julias around here?

he'll be back

where nothing could possiblye go wrong. possibly go wrong. that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

2006-12-15T11:27:00.000-05:00

ok. so all my nerdlinger friends are about done with their schooling. i don't like them. but we'll see who has the last laugh when i dissect them in anatomy and wear their brains like a davey crocket hat.

furthermore to my new hat, my campus is very pretty, which helps.

can you blow me where the pampers is? sure thing frostilicus.

look at them prancing around, like they're the cock of the walk.. we'll i'll let you know, they're cock of nothing.

i wish i could be walking around park slope in the summer, finding trucks with seth painted on them.

so, up at my schooling institution there is a perk... pizza three times the magnitude of the force to escape the gravitaional pull of toby's butt. it's as big as the the molar heat of fusion of copper! solve for the density of wood in bernouli's equation and compare it to the efficiency of a carnot engine and you'll see where i'm going. or not. either way.

right meagan?

right sheena?

well...the pizza is big enough to make you as sick as a person who ate mcdonalds with claire in massachusetts.

right. so it 's back to the butthead memorial auditorium for me.

god speed little doodle

2006-12-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

right, so this is what happens when you turn 26. actually, this is only part of what happens. what really happens is you have the time of your life, that is until the time comes when you decide the best idea in the world is to have a shot of whisky everytime someone leaves the party. this equates to not only a sudden onset of uncontrollable falling down, but barfing a night's worth of cheese doodles like it was some sort of new break dancing. consequently, i currently have a hangover the likes of which ye have never seen. i don't even know what that means, so stick it and let me continue feeling hungover and singing sea chanties. now where was i? oh yes. ahem, ahem. "blow the man down, blow the man down" "row, row, row your boat." "in the navy..."

furthermore to my achy, breaky pelvis, here are some pictures from saturday night. i feel much too terrible to make comments about people i don't know, so how about we try something a bit different and more interactive. post a comment you think best fits the soused face, and the weiners will be posted on this butt machine. agreed? good. (if you need an idea of what i'm looking for, scroll down and read an example of seth's picture. and, you cannot make the joke about a hand release for 5-p, as we make that joke every damn day.)

we will now celebrate this understanding with the adding of chocolate to milk. now excuse me. "row, row, row your boat..."

my nose says "yes", but my eyes say, "where the fuck am i?"

let's see how the free-range children are doing.

2006-12-08T12:32:00.000-05:00

so, the other day i aged one year in one day. it was great. meagan made a cake from scratch and took me to al di la for the most snacktakular dinner i have had since, well...i don't know when. it's been a while since i've had well-made, non-pizza food. right. she had the bass and i had the squash ravioli. we shared a bottle of wine and some dessert wine and...

you get the picture. thanks meagan!

furthermore to my birthday beer, i have seized the crisitunity to play poker with my vast fortune. vast.

claire got involved a few times, but would always fall prey to her dark mistress...the cocoa bean. i mean, cigars. claire smokes a wicked, mean cigar. "i said it's a peach!"

right. we'll check in with you later, claire. and how is that cigar treating you, professor dead face?

and mr softy, we'll have to get back to you and your cigar at some other point

because i had a huge (and i mean wicked huge) party on saturday

where i had a wicked huge fire

and chris had a wicked huge...well, nothing. corpsey the clown couldn't make it, so the only thing he had that was wicked huge was his....ahhh... butterfly collection. yes, that'll do.

oooh, burn!!

but josh was there, on the scene and wicked huge in charge. so, let's see what happened, shall we?

maybe too raff

2006-12-06T17:16:00.000-05:00

so my day of being older is here... now usually this means strip joints, trips to romania, a large piece of cake, and maybe a large vibrating egg.

but now that finals are my life, i will probably toss the ball around with indy and do some physics.

and when that's all done, i think i would like to get to the bottom of this "who's been peeing my toilet" fiasco, which means i'll probably do what i did last year and put my cloak on, dust off my voltage ray, and wait in the bathroom for the culprit to show himself.

the things that go bump in my butt

2006-12-05T08:42:00.000-05:00

ah yes, the season of overindulgence and being oh-so gross is upon us...

so what does that mean mr softy?

that's right! secure your suspenders, pack an extra tub of vasoline and get your security helmet cleaned up, because we're off to white castle!

now, you may wonder why my friends need vasoline and security helmets...let's just say that they're...hmmm...what's a delicate way to say this? ahh yes, wicked retarded. well, not josh. he's just special.

right. so... we jumped on the subway-apparatus, secured two crave cases, a wagon wheel of chicken rings and an economy pack of adult diapers. we've been doing this for a while now, and by the look on josh's face you can see he's a veteran

and we're off to the races! here you can see doodle setting a pick and roll for her lower intestines while claire is working the prevent defense for her fake butt

this is the gang only 2 minutes into the extravaganza. pitiful.

but it makes sense, given the subject matter we were working with

claire eventually got her second wind, but seth, on the other hand, had to resort to using the oxygen (milk shake) tank. incidentally, claire was eliminated from the eatery because we found some vegetable matter in one of her milkshakes. tisk, tisk.

and who could forget dear stitchface? i mean beer. who could forget all the beer?

at this point there is no conversation, just the sweet. dulcet sounds of our impending heart murmurs.

arrivederci vito (i was fool to think anyone would want nude pictures of whoopie goldberg!)

pass me another hunk of co-pilot

2006-11-27T22:07:00.000-05:00

ok, so thanksgiving was amazing and i will tell everyone all about it after my chemistry test on wednesday. actually, it may be a bit longer until i post because i'm currently trying to figure out who keeps peeing in my toilet.

so... for now have a nice, long looking-chew at pictures of indy, me and my turkey...see if you can guess which one slept with me thanksgiving night? i bet you can't!

sometimes the complaints will be false

2006-11-22T11:15:00.000-05:00

so last weekend i took time away from licking my academic wounds to visit sheena in new hampshire...

after a big night in the er department in the hospital where i essentially chase my tail for 8 hours on friday nights, claire and i woke up at the butt-crack of the morning on saturday and with a crack of thunder that was claire's gas, galloped toward sheena.

but how could i leave without first having some jimmy dean "breakfast sandwiches" i fished from the harlem river? these are so terrible and i really think that if i were on a desert island and these treats were the only other species living with me, i would NOT marry them. yeah...that's how bad these things are! they smell like butter when you cook them and complain after sex like my second ex-wife. who needs the hassle?

ok, no more remonstrating. claire, sheena, haley and i were able to join a local militia and secure new hampshire breakfast rations (claire had to kill someone, and i had to make a "drop off" to some columbians, but i think it was worth it because there was pumpkin bread!

i was so full after my "united nations" breakfast (actual name of the breakfast) that i had to warn haley that i might soil myself if she stopped short while driving home. seriously.

anyhow, when claire and i arrived in new hampshire sheena was seemingly perturbed...hmmm. why sheena, why?

oh, i know. she must have sensed that claire and i had stopped (more than once) for fast food. this may seem very ordinary, and maybe even stupid to most. but to claire, who has recently shaken the shackles of vegetarianism, fast food is the equivalent to egyptian prostitutes! (low in carbs.)

mustn't harm the precious

this is the remains of one of the(many) snack wraps claire and i shared while getting lost and driving completely in the wrong direction. i think this particular piece claire sneezed out in a fit of fear somewhere about boston.

and oh yeah, it's almost thanksgiving...neat.

this is where i slept...my bedfellow was quite the snuggler.

...and here is my ride. also a snuggler.

because blogger is essentially humping me sideways and will not allow me to rearrange pictures in the order they occurred, i will just say that after a good night's sleep we headed out to do things i already talked about. guh.

claire is on guard for my imminent soiling.

right. so, we had a very nice meal with the sheena clan and ended the evening with beers and cards. claire won, which means she got to detach the stone of shame and attach the stone of victory. or something like that...toby?

haley et al have this "dog" who i do not care for, insofar that it is not a dog...i mean really, what is it?

oh right, the dinner...it was really snackulicious and was a nice change of pace from my jimmy dean regimen.

and if people are concerned, gus the destructor has regained his form and is now wreaking havoc in new hampshire. i understand he has already broken many held-dear belongings!

so...after sheena made some cookies for the road we said our goodbyes and drove off into the middle of nowhere. claire, god love her, handled herself very well as co-pilot and even tried asking for directions. however, these new hampshire folkal refused to give her directions unless she purchased a slice of pizza (seriously!)...so we had to figure it out for ourselves. bitches.

so now i'm home and back to failing my classes. sweet. on an up note, i think i may do some volunteer aids work in africa this summer. thoughts?

maybe i put it out on your face!

2006-11-21T13:19:00.000-05:00

ahh yes, back into the blog world i go. so...there is no way to recapture the past few months in one post, so i'll just ease people back into my life with a few helpful visual aides. (note: pterodactyl porn omitted.)

above you can see the program from this past weekend's adventure to new hampshire, where claire, sheena and i saw a high school "production" of the wizard of oz. it was craptackular and i would have rather spent the day using a jagged stick to perform bowel surgery on myself in the woods. but hey, that's me.

claire and seth took heed of their therapist's advice and decided to have a night on the town (eating fast food, then doing it twice). i haven't seen seth this excited since last year's star trek convention.

indiana made a move for meagan and shared a chew.

seth also wanted to share a chew, and was thusly upset. he was also upset because of his terrible gas problem (not pictured).

christoph, planning his next truman show for josh and seth's baby.

ahh yes, and this is my desk, where i play with dolls, mostly.

and here are a few more pictures i will make fun of later.

and also, i learned to play the mexican bassoon.

soon to come, pictures from my trip to massachusetts, a few bruises, my new bathroom theme, toby, sheena, pumpkin risotto, an eating contest, new hampshire fast food exploits, indiana, and many pictures of uhaul trucks.

let it feed

2006-10-13T11:13:00.000-04:00

ok, so the internet in my new ice-apartment is very slow, and as a result i really can't post pictures. oh well. looks like the unveiling of the scary, million-legged bug seth found in the sink this morning will have to wait.

anyhow, in recent positive news, i coughed up something (a gremlin) that looked like it shouldn't be living in the recess of my lungs, survived a terribly impossible physics exam, failed a chem quiz (maybe), made a few friends at school by "showcasing" my personality, which is essentially demonstrating how many grapes i can fit in my mouth at once (2), decided i need to kidnapp my dog from my parents, and recently found the cord that connects my camera to my pornographic newspaper, which in turn, i can tape to my computer and download things onto an internet. things are looking up.

however, this whole picture-via-porn taped to my slow computer operation is seemingly on hold until time warner pulls there butt out of their butt and gets over here.

also, looking through the pictures from new hampshire i realize that sheena is still gone. hmm. i guess i didn't think that through when i helped mer move to a different state. so, i think i can speak for the group here and say that we miss sheena very much, and if i weren't married to the sea, i would love her (physically).

i have to stop fantasizing about lee majors. oh, maybe one more.

2006-10-07T21:36:00.000-04:00

ok, so have found a way to post pictures and talk about my ever-so-boring life. woopie fucking doopie. if i had my druthers, this post would be about moving into my new apartment and would be animated with about 20 pictures from the recent bon-voyage trip for sheena. i might have even included all the neat pictures of uhaul trucks (my new obsession) and make note of the fact that while there are many designs on these trucks, i got arkansas soil (again!!!) for my truck and proceeded to get in a wreck while moving. however, as people may or may not know, moving is a god damn hassle and i cannot find the cord that connects my camera-machine and my broken-as all-fucking-shit computer-blowjob-machine. so now i'm using seth's computer (which is so much better than my computer i want to pee in my own mouth as punishment for using such a hunk of junk for the past year). so i can't post the pics i want. i can only work with some of the pics i have recently taken wit my willard. so i'll make due with what i have and briefly bring people up to speed. and then i'll pee.

right, so this is my new living room. it is quite nice, except for the fact that we moved into it. as you can see, it is surrounded with man crap. not a single bort among us has the time to pull our shit together at the asscrack of night, so for the time being this is what we got.

and this is my new room. if you can't see, there are tissues everywhere because i am really sick and i have been eating many, many tissues to regain my strength. i also tried to make myself some potato leek soup, but it tastes like shit because i can't find any stupid salt because the salt is packed somewhere. anyhow, i like my room (even though it's pink) except for the fact that there is a draft that comes in through the window that gives me a cold.

so what will i do tonight as my friends gallavant around the woods of new hampshire? well, i'll probably study physics, because i have to study physics. or maybe if i'm feeling frisky, i'll study chemistry and take a bath in the toilet as a refresher. hmmm...for a saturday night, this i do not like. you know what i also don't like? getting a fucking C on my calculus midterm! what the hell? i thought i did really well, and even ventured so far as to say to my classmates that i thought it was easy. sweet goddamned christ.

now is the time in the program where i update you about the past month. well let's see...i had shingles. that was nice and terrible.

and while i moved into an apartment, i actually live in here...a giant classroom where i learn about things that have nothing to do with wanting to be a doctor. and i look at douchbags talk about douchbag things, which is really annoying. anyhow, i'll post about this later. if you would really like to know more about columbia douchbags you can read a comment i made on claire's blog about a recent encounter in calculus.

and right, i had fucking shingles.

but i did manage to fashion this sign while driving home from new hampshire last month, so that was nice.

it was particuarly nice seeing how it diverted me from the tree i drunkenly implanted in my left hand while trying to manually chop wood for our smores fiasco.

and what else is new....claire and seth went shopping. that was nice.

there is much more and i will post more about not being in a bad mood when i find my camera cord. for now, let's remember the first camping trip and the wonders of not being a student. god speed little doodles.

yes, eat all of our shirts

2006-08-29T10:46:00.000-04:00

so i am in the process of moving my belongings, as people tend to do when they move apartments. usually this is a terrible ordeal where you pack up your stuff, break your back carrying hastily-packed boxes of pornography and rotted fruit, and steadily set up your new quarters that very evening.

in my case, however, moving is more an experience of trapping yourself in your old apartment with a smelly, wet couch no person would ever want to own because it is a smelly, wet couch. in this pic you can see what big shirtless seth, sheena, meagan and i did to ourselves. we eventually got the couch out by sawing the legs off. what a bitch.

since i have been living alone in a big apartment for more than a year i have had the opportunity to collect a lot of crap. as such, i needed to rent a gigantic uhaul. this, however, i was looking forward to because when you get one of these trucks there is usually a very nice picture of a dinosaur, bird, husky or baseball player along the side, and as you drive the truck you think to yourself, "hey, there is a picture of a tyranasaurus on my truck" and make scary noises, like "roar!" for this singular reason i was more than willing to spend about 200 bucks for a few hours use of a orange shit mobile. you can imagine my dissapointment when i saw that my truck had a diagram of arkansas soil. what the hell? talk about your orange pieces of crap. what the hell noise does soil make?

so me and my hired help packed up the arkansas mobile (thanks again for the help guys!) and meagan and i drove it to philly where i unfortunately have to leave my stuff until my new landlord lets me into my new apartment (talk about a hassle). also, as a result of the cataclysmic dissapointment that was the arkansas soil picture, i had a terrible trip down to philly and was hyper-aware that i was driving a million tons of blind-spotted metal down a slippery highway. meagan, on the other hand, had a wonderful time singing and dancing to rod stewart-esque music, which made things worse for me.

while i was in philly i went to a.c. moore where halloween stuff is already displayed. while there i managed to find this wonderful murder she wrote thing, which i emailed to tobs. he never emailed me back to acknowledge my tip calculating willard. jerk.

alvy was happy to have me home.

i also was able to recently watch major league, which i am now certain is the best movie ever. ever. ever. do you remember the scence where harris and cerrano discuss whether jerus christ can hit a curve ball? amazing.

so this is what is left of my pad. it's pretty shitty, seeing how i am studying for a math test and i have no where to sit. i set up some of the camping stuff i have in my car, so i suppose it's not so bad. i'm tobs, i'm tobs!

enjoy your death trap ladies

2006-08-24T08:26:00.000-04:00

so blogger finally let me post pictures again, but i'm so irritated i don't really want to follow through with anything. i also feel sick from packing all my belongings and getting excited about the upcoming soccer season. then again, maybe i got the diabetes.

last week, or whenever it was, the butt patrol and i Q'ed and went bowling. this is doctor doom showing us how he splits skulls at the alley. Kaboom! Kaboom!

then claire and josh had sex in my bedroom. claire does things other women won't, like have sex for money. well, not really. claire likes to tickle josh because unlike other humans who chuckle when tickled, josh chirps like a bird. what kind of bird is it again, toby?

josh was happy about the romp with claire and feels he will be ready for the nezt bout by next spring. claire thought josh would have been in better shape.

so we drank in my yard and eventually took a subway machine to a bowling alley that i'm pretty sure was in egypt. at the alley i was overwhelmed by all the goings-on, with the romanian pop music blaring and "tasty sluts" abound. however, there was an issue with the footwear, in that everyone else got cool, retro bowling shoes and i got ebonite brand rental shoes. i mean really, it's bad enough they made me check my hooker at the door and wouldn't let me bowl with a severed head. the alley people really wanted to make me look creepy.

see. josh got real shoes. oh well, the joke is on the bowling alley because i replaced all the pins with hoagies.

the night was amazing. we drank buckets of rolling rocks, rolled heavy balls at pins, then later at hoagies, and engaged with a bartender who, from what my clinical skills allowed me to understand, has a watermelon where his brain should be. this i should say was terrifying. but you wouldn't know that this fellow wanted to either eat your skin (or briefly gnaw on your thumbs) from the way josh casually talked with him. for example, josh would say, "hey, how are you? a bucket of rocks please." then the bartender would get the beer, give it to us and say, "the government!" while sharpening his knives and tying a noose. to this josh would casually respond, "yeah, i'm looking forward to the coming elections as well. hey, is that a knot? i also like to tie things. ok. see you later" as i remained at the bar clutching my thumbs. good job josh.

here are some of our scores.

at the end of the night seth, sheena and i decided to walk to a bar in park slope while out friends decided driving with this wobbly fellow was the best course of action. hey, i know what's wrong with this lesbian bar...

well, you guys missed out because i saw this picture on the way to the bar.

and who can forget dear ratboy?

2006-08-11T16:58:00.000-04:00

ah, yes...our beloved grey skull squadron. when it comes to intramural, co-ed soccer, they are one of my top-5 teams. well, maybe they're in the top ten. nevertheless, tonight is game night and golly i hope they can put a "W" on the board.

here is seth from last week. where's the hustle seth? pretty sad, if you ask me.

and rat boy? where's the competitive fire?

even though they didn't win, at the end of the game all participants congratulate each other for not getting kicked in the face or neck. good work guys!

maybe next week you'll win...? we'll see tonight.

here josh is showing us how he touches little children; he starts wit the best part: the neck! i'm joking, of course. in this pic (and i'm serious) josh is demonstrating how he would behave had we elected him team mom. instead of orange slices and well wishes for all participants, josh explained he would instead make a witches brew filled with newt and pedophilia. in this pic he is stirring the cauldron. amazing.

go get 'em crazy-legs josh!

something gay, no doubt

2006-08-11T13:04:00.000-04:00

so friday night is upon is us and there are many things to be done. many gay things, that is.

and by gay i really mean that there is intramural, co-ed soccer to be played. or, in my case, there is soccer to be watched. man, there's nothing gayer than a bunch of guys and girls running around a soccer field together.

at last week's game meagan showed us how she plans to be next season's soccer mom, orange slices, koolaid and all.

this is a pic of josh from last week. it's clear that he's on the juice. either that or the skin eating has gotten out of hand again.

this weekend there will also be grilling...of food, mostly. and there will also be tomfoolery, drinking and a phantom smell to be found in my backyard.

this is homosexual seth playing with his homosexual corn from last week's Q. "guilty as charged", says the corn.

claire didn't seem to mind the corn, or seth. she did mind the smell, however.

and i think all of us did mind my tofutti pops. or should i say, tofutti poops. oh yeah, i went there. god i love this picture. reminds me of when toby and i used to smooch.

so as is the style at these Qs, everyone drinks a lot and gets touchy-feely with each other. on an
unrelated note, in this pic you can see claire training for her up and coming sumo tournament.

this is so cute i don't know what to say. actually, it's definitely pretty gay, that's for sure.

the phantom smell was eventually tracked down, and here sheena is making claire verify that the smell is indeed coming from the micky mouse ice cream tucked in her shirt.

so what else is to be expected of this weekend? well, i still need to find an apartment for me, seth and barbara walters, and i only have 3 weeks left to do so. here is a pic of a place i saw twice (different brokers show the same stuff, and i usually pretend that i'm seeing the place for the first time, which is so humiliating, for some reason because i make the same dumb comments, like "oh, this view is nice"). i would post a better pic, but according to my broker, i can't afford a better pic. seems about right.

sounds like you're working for your car

2006-08-06T15:23:00.000-04:00

so last week i went to a hippy wedding and i have been trying to think of something funny to comment about. something funny about hippies, that is.

well, first of all, at this wedding there were hippies. and i suppose this that funny. but not ha ha funny. so i'll get to this later. for now, let's have a viewing chew of the vermont scenery. oh good god! can you notice the lack of manhattan? and there is so little brooklyn. it was a nice change of pace.

here is another barn. this may sound a bit strange, but after driving 8 hours i decided to skip the wedding, stay here at this very barn, raise a family of goats. i know, i know, it's very adventurous and will cost many, many monies. but don't worry, i have a plan to support myself: now get this, i'll start an organic ice cream company called ben and gilhouse and i'll hire one of the local bearded men to sweep the sawdust off the floor and to swab the rotors on the forklift. all i need is a picture for the ice cream containers. can someone please provide a picture of a pint of ice cream with a fat bearded man and a herd or army goats?

ah yes...back to the wedding. so the ceremony was on top of a hippy-hill and we all had to walk. up the hippy-hill that is. we also all had roles in the wedding; i played the part of sans testicles, grew out my hair and wore a purple dress. meagan was an umbrella. we then all played dungeons and dragons on acid and went to a george michael concert. terrifying.

the ceremony was very short and to the point. there was a bit of weeping, but nothing like the weeping that caused me to rampage at te last wedding i went to. te usual "do you take this person to be your slave...yadda, yadda, yadda." quite nice. reminded me when toby became my slave. after this was all over we drove through a deluge to get to the reception. i love the rain, it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

this is where the reception was held. i stayed in te car and ate mushrooms.

this is my car on mushrooms. as you can see, i parked in the sauna section. actually, this is the oven that made my lobster-stuffed-with-tacos dinner. it's a delicacy in vermont, you know.

and here are some of mego's many dates.

and oh, there were foods. many, many foods. i think this was rocky road. or maybe it was chunky monkey. i'm still learning about hippy foods.

the local newspaper heard i was coming into town and decided to run a story. i think the title of the article was something like, "local man has run-in with blimp!"

and oh, right...two people were married. these are those people. who got married. at the wedding. you with me? right. so, this couple was very nice, and they had to be very patient as the many local hippies came to congratulate them. this is a pic of the bride and groom being showered with gifts. "manure? i thought they would bring diamonds!" is wat she is saying here. well, vermont is an agricultural society.

i'm sorry, but ernest borgnine has already been arranged

2006-08-05T10:05:00.000-04:00

ah yes, back to te reception...

the reception was quite nice after i had a few beers and pints of ice cream. i also got my groove on in the drum circles.

these are some of my friends getting drunk. it was great for the first few hours, but after that i had to stop drinking...being the designated driver and all. so i stopped with the beer and sat. for hours.

mego and her sister. nice.

local hippy child. also nice. i should have put her in the trunk and brought her back to brooklyn.

this is my lobster-stuffed-with-tacos dinner. as you can see, the furnace did a number on the sides.

meagan likes watching me sober up.

ah yes, people getting their groove on as i sober up. it sucked. actually, what sucked more was this 21-year old russian, jackaninny who was the most obnoxious, pompous jerkstore to roam the fields of hippyland. there are too many stories to relate, so let me just retell what he said while driving up to vermont with some friends when said friends wanted to eat at wendy's: "wendy's? i won't eat that peasant crap." seriously. he also berated my decision to go to med school and told his date that he was in a bad mood after our table's "vapid conversation." at least his pants ripped and we could all see his gross. russian tush.

overall, the wedding was nice and i'm glad i learned to make ice cream on acid while in a drum circle. and i must say, it was kinda fun to watch people humiliate themselves on the dance floor. one of my friends dumped water on her head while dancing, and then passed out on her boyfriend. nice.

this is what is used to make st. john's wort, the medicine. evidently it grows where we ate breakfast.

this was the breakfast. it was very tasty, especially after drinking a bottle of wine in a tepid hot tub the night previous. and oh! at breakfast meagan spilled her coffee on her shirt and legs, and the obnoxious russian dabbed it off while licking his fangs. eew.

pendant, those bastards

2006-07-28T18:18:00.000-04:00

so i am going away for a few days and will not be around for this weekend's grilling and drinking. instead, i will be in vermont at a hippy wedding. i may not do the chicken dance, but i will be the center of the drum circle, and i will make sure to take pics. here are a few pics of things that have happened recently...some non-hippy things. enjoy your deathtrap ladies .

now serving customer 2005

josh learned how to ride a bike. well not really, he fell off. i ate the bike.

quiet down chorus boy

this is commando seth. johnny, johnny!

i'll tell you who's stupid. you, stupid.

2006-07-25T18:45:00.000-04:00

so this past friday i was able to attend the weekly soccer match of the ever-so-gay soccer squad, "castle gray poop." i kid, of course. i was invited to watch my friends run around and sweat after a soccer ball while i sat on the sidelines eating condor eggs.

the game started off per usual, with josh humping the ball, seth calculating the rate of josh's thrust divided by the speed of sheena's good looks, and chris sat in the corner dropping acid (or as he likes to say, "having sex with whores").

as the game proceeded the action intensified. josh, however, found an undying interest in a pile of bags. he refused to sub back into the game, and as a result his squad had to forfeit. don't worry josh, i would have done the same.

"you don't get it gilhouse! these are samsonite bags! samsonite!"

after the game i had to have a urination-chew, and this is where i had to do it. i guess i haven't had to use one of these portable "johns" for a while, and i may be exaggerating here, but man-alive was this a terrible experience. and thank goodness i didn't have to sit on the "seat", because oh golly, it would have burned a hole straight through to my stomach and given my butt smell cancer. although i was i this facility for less than one minute, i constantly had to breath into my armpit and bask in the warm basking glow that is my old spice scent. and even through this i thought i would die from an overdose of bad smell! it was if the hobo on the corner had buried his army of raccoons in there. if that's the case, then i suppose this was awesome.

after my trip to the vomitorium we all huddled into a subway car and off we went to a bar off flatbush where...

seth and josh discovered the product known as beer.

fly my pretties! fly!

the following night we went to a sauna party where the name of the game was to sweat out the beer while you drank. we also congratulated claire for not failing the GRE. well done, claire! you'll be a doctor yet! now we just need to tackle your percodan addiction.

we showed up with a few giant budweisers, and there was a nice array of snacks provided. i had the hooker.

and then we moved on to the red stripes. in this pic my beer is telling me, "there are no rules in this place; it's thunderdome!"

in the bathroom there was the common home product we all know and love, "du-bang." man, do i love my du-bang. i have one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and if i'm feeling a bit frisky, a few at night. ok, so now that i have said this, i must say that i really don't know what a "du-bang" is. and don't give me that "flexible fabric bandage crap", because that's too easy. i want a real answer for why this product is called du-bang. josh?

after i ate the box of du-bang i returned to find chris undressing. the night ended creepy as shit when chris showed the creature that lives in his chest. god, that's hilarious.

actually, the funny end of the night came when someone barfed into their hands in the kitchen. i tried not to notice, but i did notice and i thought it was great. i remember times in the past when i discretely regurgitated beer onto myself and tried to play it off as if i had sneezed. it's a classy move.

as a side note: when i was spell-checking this post i realized that i misspelled "feeling." ok, thanks blogger for letting me know. what do you suggest as a proper spelling? what's that? you suggest "beluga?" what the hell?

oh, that's raspberry

2006-07-22T19:12:00.000-04:00

so here are a few more pics of toby in brooklyn. exciting.

in toby's old apartment there is a nice collection of bottles, warm beers and underwear. also exciting.

what i failed to mention in the previous post is that while we were out drinking something evil happened in the bathroom. essentially, someone decided a public bar was the best place to perform their dirty, sinful business. as such, the smell of a buried hampster pervaded the immediate area of the bar and dampened our spirits. this was not exciting.

toby was not too upset by this because he was wearing his "dolly parton" wig. i guess i see the resemblance. not really though. i think you got ripped off toby.

evonned was also upset about the wig.

toby is convincing zombie evonne that he already has a Ph.D. i don't that move works anymore tobs.

josh got cold and covered himself with some garbage. i suppose he gives a larbage.

and then i had a taco dinner. yum.

you've entered regicide

2006-07-22T16:21:00.000-04:00

so toby wanted to see some of the pics from his most recent trip to brooklyn. whatever you say mister billboard.

can you guess which one is gassy?

seth is demonstrating the wonders of rabbi pornography. ooooh!

after seth's display both tobs and josh tried to log on.

looks like josh has had a bit too much porn. you should really know when to say when, josh.

in the morning (8am!) toby MADE josh and me pack his driving car with his belongings (expired medicine, wigs, glue for his wigs, hangers and block of cheese).

man i'll miss his wigs.

seriously baby, i can prescribe anything you want

2006-07-15T19:54:00.000-04:00

so i got into school and i have a decision to make: where to go? should i stay in new york or go to boston? a lion or a crimson butthole? i drank champagne to celebrate the fact that doctorhood is soon upon me, and went to boston to see what this crimson butthole thing is all about.

i also purchased a carvel ice cream cake. these are so good, so artificial and go wonderfully with liquor!

i also drank a lot. the way i see it, i'd better get my drinking in now, before the labs, schoolwork and cadavers take up all my goddamned waking time.

mego made nachos with a side of hand to celebrate. mmmm, hand.

look at all the crimson buttholes, using there legs like a bunch of suckers. as far as the campus, it was pretty, but i didn't really feel comfortable. and where would my local bar be? and who would i hang out with? no, no, i don't think i like this boston thing one bit.

and the transportation! the "T" stops running at like 11pm. or maybe it's midnight. whatever. how would i get around? what if i were hungry at night? would i have to get a car and drive to the store like toby. oh god, i'd be like toby!

so i took the china town bus back to nyc and took a look-see at columbia, where the non-buttholes flow like wine.

the library was extraordinary. seriously.

reminded me of the Reichstag and ghostbusters.

and look how many urinals there are! man-o-man. i think we have a wiener. now josh and i can be competitive with our new york schooling. now all i need is a helper monkey and i'll be set with this whole student thing.

there you are. thought you could get away.

2006-07-06T12:45:00.000-04:00

so i guess it is time to update. so...as toby knows, a few weeks ago the perennial nathan's hotdog contest took place and it was amazing. very warm outside, but still a nice event.

before the ceremonial gorging of animal fats, i decided to also have a chew. here you can see my meal, the buttered tire with a red snorting stick. watch out gilhouse, you're not on the moon yet.

delicious? i also would have accepted snacktacular.

as toby knows, this event is wonderful. sorry you missed it toby. did you see it on the tv? you probably had a better view than we did. you can barely see the giant, dancing hotdog.

soon after the hotdog concert seth, chris, mego and i went to foxwoods casino for some gambling. chris got a nathan's hotdog when we got there. of course. can you imagine eating 54 of these? i sure can.

mego is trying to show me something on the casino deck. what is it mego...?

ah yes, a giant turbine. how beautiful . why would this be the view outside the casino? why toby?

well, if that's how people in connecticut roll...might as well embrace the culture and have a picture-chew.

they mostly come out at night. mostly.

2006-07-04T20:56:00.000-04:00

so this past weekend there was a party with many beers. many shot-gunned beers. my friend, crazylegs-xxx, loves parties as much as he loves his taffy. go long crazylegs-xxx.

before the consumption of the beers there was a guac-off. this is claire and chris touching each other's gentitals. crazylegs is still going long, real long.

and then there was a delay because chris fell asleep on claire. claire kept touching his genitals.

while chris slept my hot dog and i attended the guac-off and it was magical. the winning guacamole's secret ingredient was food. genius.

and then the apartment's german friend's roasted a duck-rabbit-horse-barnyard fowl combination animal. i thinkit was called a dinosaur.

and then there was another delay when josh's face imploded. too many hot dogs, i suppose.

eventually we got to play charades. in this pic you can see some guy doing 'baby fish mouth.' i think yung-en is trying to get us to guess 'jackal.'

correction, he's a 'shot-gunning jackal.'

i got tired of the usual shot-gunning experience, and instead decided to eat all the cans. gumball is clearly turned on by my form.

doodle also enjoys a good chew.

josh, on the other hand, went for a dip.

this fellow didn't know you had to open the can to get the beer out. it was humurant.

somehow this gaggle of buttholes drank all the beer and seth and chris had to get more. much more.

all the while the smurfs burned their pagan flames to celebrate liberty.

and my gf practiced drinking two beers at a time. it was a nice party.

your face is my case

2006-06-29T15:10:00.000-04:00

so all the hype is about this face analyzer thing is for naught. I figured I should give it a try as well, but the analyzer only analyzes real faces. I didn't appreciate this at all, seeing how my pumpkin face picture really brings out my eyes.

...and it couldn't analyze my ice cream cone.

or the pic of me doing the moonwalk (moon not pictured)

in the pic I used they said I was mostly indian and a bit homosexual. they were correct about the homosexual part, so I suppose the site kind of works.

what would the analyzer say about this one? whatever, the site stinks.

give me the larry fine

2006-06-29T14:21:00.000-04:00

so cupcake says the fuzz are after me because i look like a criminal. isn't that right, cupcake? anyhow, in response to my recent experiences with the law i decided to change my appearance and went to the local hairdresser (my hello kitty bathroom). i asked for the larry fine and this is evidently the larry fine (pictured above). i guess now i really look the part of a hardened inmate. oops. i imagine if i walk around with my camera on my face people will stop giving me shit, assuming i'm disturbed. take that you bitches.

last night seth, josh, claire and sheena and i had dinner (thanks seth, it was snacktacular!). the evening began well. we discussed literature, film and politics. after a few drinks, however, we began making jokes about duties, breaking glasses, spilling beers and calling each other operatives. sheena even needed a bandaid at one point!

why does that always happen josh? why?

gilhouse almost goes to jail?

2006-06-28T09:16:00.000-04:00

so it has come to my attention that i may have a problem with authority. either that or i am really bad about not breaking the law. for example, last summer when i moved apartments i got ticket for being double parked; there were many people moving this day, and i was the only one who got a ticket on my block (even though there were like 20 double parked cars on my block). in this particular lawless situation i parked my car in front of my apartment and ran up the stairs to get a box or something. when i got to my floor i saw out of the window that a lady officer was approaching my car. i ran downstairs and saw that she and her dipshit partner were writing me a ticket, claiming they had been waiting in front of my car for more than 5 minutes, trying to give me the opportunity to move it. this is such bullshit! why is it that cops can lie like this and try and make it seem like they are giving you a break? well, i kinda got in trouble because i yelled at the lady cop and said it was bullshit. she got upset at this (for some reason) and gave me another ticket for assaulting an officer. either that or she threatened me with this ticket. i think she may have, because she said something like, "what's that? keep talking buddy boy...etc." bitch.

oh, here is alvy. he just lost his leg to a raccoon. he seems to be doing well enough.

and here is a lunch i made in my yard.

the knife was delicious.

and oh, whenever i protest these tickets the department of finance sends me something that says my complaint was reviewed, and because i cannot support my claims, i still have to pay the fine. what the hell do they want, a video of me parking my car? no matter what you do in this city you get a paddling. looking out the window? that's a paddling. staring at a cop's sandles? that's a paddling. paddling the school canoe? oh, you better believe that's a paddling. what a bunch of jerks.

maybe i should just mail this to that meter maid bitch who lied to me.

during the spring i also had my car towed twice in one day. (pictured are two tickets for something else.) it wasn't even my car (it was my brother's, and for some reason he said he was too busy to take care of it and made me move it at 2am after my shift ended)! so, of course it got towed. i didn't find this out until a few days later and had to pay an extra 20 bucks a day for city storage, $185 for the tow, and $75 for the parking fine. i picked up the car, paid the tow charge, parked it, went to work, and when i went to move it later that day it was gone. while i thought it was funny that my brain kept repeating the phrase, "dong, where is my automobile?", i still had to pay all this shit all over again. fuckers.

the pisser about this round of fines was that the tickets weren't even based in reality! i think one of them was for something like 'having only four wheels', and another was for parking in a 'no gilhouses' zone. what a bunch of bitches. when i protested these tickets they told me to stick it. how am i supposed to contest that i wasn't too close to a hydrant? should i take pictures every time i park? bitches.

and oh, most recently i got into a verbal altercation with a cop and almost got myself arrested. this occurred last week, i think, and was because i got caught doubling up through a turnstile on the subway. some ass cop saw me, gave me a ticket and talked to me as if i was trying to smuggle a bazooka on the subway. he also gave me a lot of shit for not having a new york license, explaining that if you live in this city for more than 3 months any out of state license is invalid. he yelled at me about this and made me dump out my bag to prove i had no proof of new york address on my. ass.

so this guy was a complete jerk, and when he gave me the ticket i threw it on the train tracks. i got another ticket for this. i was also threatened with public intoxication, harrassing a police officer and generally being a bitch. granted, this time i was drunk and a jerk, but i was still upset. i just don't like getting tickets.

at least i was able to spell tzar two different ways in scrabble.

taking the browns to the superbowl, part one

2006-06-27T11:03:00.000-04:00

so i woke up at five in the morning to drive down to see toby and our nerdlinger frends in north carolina. the drive took forever and i didn't bother to ask toby for directions, so i suppose that made things a bit worse. when i arrived i had to meet these fellows at a bar where they had already been drinking since 9am, and when i asked toby how to find this bar he essentially told me to turn the car topwise. thanks toby. i at least got to watch the us squad crap in their pants in the second half of their match.

after the us match we retired to toby's to sober up for an hour. here is the man of the hour. i would like to have sex with him, if you get my drift.

this is seth and joshy-poo in front of toby's butt palace. seth is demonstrating how to bend his elbow while josh is trying to figure out who seth is.

like our recent trip to romania, we planned to drink enough to kill an elephant or a herd of large urine monkeys . as such, we ordered a cab to take us to one of toby's local drinking holes.

i needed to get things going, so i ordered beer with a side of beer sauce.

after only one day toby was already tired of seth and his antics. toby is also very tired from the previous night's skin eating. isn't that always the way...you get nuts with the skin eating.

like romania, we felt it important to embrace the local culture. as such, seth ordered the alligator special with a side of bones.

and toby also ordered a southern specialty. i couldn't get a good look at what he got, but i'm pretty sure it was a lizard. either that or chemistry set.

none of us really ate our food, seeing how we needed to save belly room for beers. so it was off to the bar...