it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times

so i took 11 days away from the cracker factory to go play with dracula in romania. this was one of the many draculas my friends and i saw. i've seen better draculas in my day, particuarly ones with wheels. this one had no wheels.


this is me and my friends before we left for romania. notice the lack of draculas? yeah, there is no way i could stay in brooklyn.


these are my friends, chipper as ever, at the airport before we left. romania-ho!


i don't know how my friends got to bucharest, but i flew egg airlines. the flight was a little runny. the ham was perfectly cromulent, however.


so when we got to bucharest toby and josh discovered that their bags arrived before we did and ran off with some romanian hookers. awesome. hold on there tubby. you're not on the moon yet.


even though i was sad for toby and josh, i found time to get some drinks. these were made from fresh water in the carpathian mountains. i think it was called moland springs.


and then i met one of the local draculas. she was hot. actually, this is a pic from a menu. i think she had the bread. ick.


notice how grumpy my friends are. jeez, they look as if they lost their bags or something. what a bunch of clowns.


whatever you tell me mr. billboard.


these are my friends without luggage in a romanian windstorm. up from is sans testicles, and in the back are his minions, seth and dr. tongue (who had, yes indeed, arrived).


here are my friends in front of our rental helicopter. i'd never seen a car that needed a shave before. talk about your pieces of crap.


and then i met this romanian girl named burger. while she was shapely and bitter (yum!), she lacked the dracula qualities i look for in a life partner.


this is what i usually ate for breakfast: lapte integral (which only had like 30 percent gracime. can you believe it?), salsa and money.


here is the idiot patrol getting ready to leave the dry comforts of our bombed out hostel building. excelsior!



this is the neighborhood where we habitated. it was pretty dreary, with the communism and all.


this is seth trying to oust the current romanian president with his amnesia ray (a revolver).


still dreary.


what you can't see in this pic is josh's horribly gas issues.









we pulled it together and made it to the people's palace. it was good, but it only transported matter, so it was also kind of a bust. actually, the building was amazing, but we were only able to see like 5 of the rooms. i think there was a dracula convention, or a dracula wedding, so i guess that makes sense. i wouldn't want to intrude.


this is my vampire's pizza. that was the real name; no dissociation there. it was spicy and snacktacular!


the second night we went out for dinner and had some local plum brandy to start the night's festivities. seth later bought some brandy, but he spilled it into his ear medicine by accident. ha.


this is a bank, i think.


to accompany the plum brandy we had a cured fish, that i'm pretty sure was a dracula fish. as i explained to my friends, it tasted "tuggy."


i also ate the house chicken dish, which was called something like superior of chicken. it was not superior (clearly) because it was served in a pile of lard and feathers.


toby had drinks...



and the dish called "the rubbed bean." it as neither rubby nor beany. it was more on the lumpy and cysty side.


so we left ye old crap hut and played in the snow.


and then i took a pic of the aurora Borealis emanating from my face. i called it steamed hams.


and then we realized that the only way to end the night was to drink enough beer to kill a large beast, most likely some kind of dracula beast.


the next night we went to this touristy place where draculas can roam free. this one asked me if i liked to be hunted. i said that i would like to hunt for his genitals, if he gave me a chance. i think this scared away the children. actually, the waiter was into me and asked that i come back to see him. i don't think so, dong.


then we rented a car and drove through the carpathian mountains. it as one of those robot cars, so i didn't need to use my arms.


seth didn't realize we left and stayed at the bar to smoke.


oh yeah, at the dracula restaurant i had bear, venison, boar, and i think stag with a side if stag sauce.


and toby had the e"evil's salad." i suppose this is kind of evil.


these shitty meals reminded me of all the times we ate in brooklyn and knew what we were digesting this is me and seth eating, and in the foreground is josh crushing communism.


right. so back to romania. josh and i had eleventy billion beers. it was the best of times.


and then i tried to make friends with the locals.


this is josh about to be eaten by a horshoe crab


toby brought his cat, ol' muddy, on the trip...


but ol' muddy couldn't figure out how to make friends with the other wall creatures.


so toby had to show him how. tsss. tsss.


we also ate at this place. it was a military building and it was really, really out of our league...



seeing how we spent our time imitating seth,






this is toby telling josh how much he loved his performance in scarsdale surprise.


i took the opportunity to drink their beers. and then i used my oxygen masks (pictured).


after a few drink my friends tend to loosen up. this is josh and tobs showing how they massage each others' testicles. remember, end with the counter-clockwise swirl, and not the pinch.


they seemed shocked that i figured this out



this is us getting ready to chase bears through the streets of bucharest


josh and i realized this was a shitty idea. so we found some erotic signs to stand next to.


here are a few pics of bucharest.







i think we're in the garment district here. we're not?



this is the inside of the military building where we ate food. it was esthetically beautiful, but the food was lacking in all capacities. eating capacities, that is.


if you will take the time here to notice, seth's meal had five layers of meat and was skewered with a hot dog, that i'm pretty sure is covered in cheese.








this is one of the meals i had. i think the vegetables also had meat in them. amazing.


this is josh and toby in the hometown of vlad the impaler. spooky.


these are pics of the real dracula's home town









and here is little ruttiger taunting big shirtless seth.


alas, josh's bag arrived and he was able to use his camera and replace his sullied trashbag with a pair of real underwear.


seth got tired (imagine that, with the not sleeping, and the binge drinking)


so we watched local tv


and we found this place where all the local draculas hang out.


this is me and seth in our nookie pad. what?


this is me demonstrating how i fought off the dracula with my toothbrush


josh was feeling really hungover, and all he really wanted was a decent breakfast...this was unfortunately not possible. sorry josh.








we said goodbye to dracula's home town and next headed off to brasov.


these are pics of brasov




and here are some pics of the drive through romania. it was very bizarre because these towns seemingly have not changed in 400 years.






this is me wasted the final night in bucharest.


and my friends hoping to god that we don't get raped my gypsies again. good trip guys!