needs more dog

so i work in a restaurant where i make coffee, serve food, etc. as such, i have plenty of time to consider the myriad of ways to end my life. i also have time to go balls-shit insane. i have imagined seeing my ex (who robbed my apartment) and gouging her eyes out with a latte spoon, contemplated the possibility that a muppet is indeed a mix between a mop and a puppet, and i have imagined the following conversation:

me:"das is mine shieser."
customer: "ok."

i think this is hilarious.



i have also imagined myself standing behind the barista station dancing, and when someone asks for a drink i just say, "hey, i don't work here. i just dance here." what could they possibly say about this?



i also think it would be funny if my fellow workers and i had a competition to see who could drink the hottest drink. imagine it..."i'm gonna do it...i'm going for 220 degrees! yeah! owwww, owww, owwww!"



things i say that are obnoxious:
one of my co-workers had sore knees and i told him that it was probably the result of his night job as a glory hole operator.

each day we have a 'drink of the day.' this is fine, but boring. i suggested that we have a dinosaur of the day as well as a voice of the day. people thought this was cute until i suggested the voice of the day be helen keller.



my smell:
at work last week it occurred to me that i smell bad. really, really bad. trying to better understand this one of the voices in my head suggested that i smell like a jockstrap. an evil jockstrap. i think this is just about right.

to verify my concern, someone told me that i smell like a burning tire that was shat on by a sumo wrestler. i'll have to do something about this.