gilhouse almost goes to jail?

so it has come to my attention that i may have a problem with authority. either that or i am really bad about not breaking the law. for example, last summer when i moved apartments i got ticket for being double parked; there were many people moving this day, and i was the only one who got a ticket on my block (even though there were like 20 double parked cars on my block). in this particular lawless situation i parked my car in front of my apartment and ran up the stairs to get a box or something. when i got to my floor i saw out of the window that a lady officer was approaching my car. i ran downstairs and saw that she and her dipshit partner were writing me a ticket, claiming they had been waiting in front of my car for more than 5 minutes, trying to give me the opportunity to move it. this is such bullshit! why is it that cops can lie like this and try and make it seem like they are giving you a break? well, i kinda got in trouble because i yelled at the lady cop and said it was bullshit. she got upset at this (for some reason) and gave me another ticket for assaulting an officer. either that or she threatened me with this ticket. i think she may have, because she said something like, "what's that? keep talking buddy boy...etc." bitch.


oh, here is alvy. he just lost his leg to a raccoon. he seems to be doing well enough.


and here is a lunch i made in my yard.


the knife was delicious.








and oh, whenever i protest these tickets the department of finance sends me something that says my complaint was reviewed, and because i cannot support my claims, i still have to pay the fine. what the hell do they want, a video of me parking my car? no matter what you do in this city you get a paddling. looking out the window? that's a paddling. staring at a cop's sandles? that's a paddling. paddling the school canoe? oh, you better believe that's a paddling. what a bunch of jerks.


maybe i should just mail this to that meter maid bitch who lied to me.


during the spring i also had my car towed twice in one day. (pictured are two tickets for something else.) it wasn't even my car (it was my brother's, and for some reason he said he was too busy to take care of it and made me move it at 2am after my shift ended)! so, of course it got towed. i didn't find this out until a few days later and had to pay an extra 20 bucks a day for city storage, $185 for the tow, and $75 for the parking fine. i picked up the car, paid the tow charge, parked it, went to work, and when i went to move it later that day it was gone. while i thought it was funny that my brain kept repeating the phrase, "dong, where is my automobile?", i still had to pay all this shit all over again. fuckers.

the pisser about this round of fines was that the tickets weren't even based in reality! i think one of them was for something like 'having only four wheels', and another was for parking in a 'no gilhouses' zone. what a bunch of bitches. when i protested these tickets they told me to stick it. how am i supposed to contest that i wasn't too close to a hydrant? should i take pictures every time i park? bitches.


and oh, most recently i got into a verbal altercation with a cop and almost got myself arrested. this occurred last week, i think, and was because i got caught doubling up through a turnstile on the subway. some ass cop saw me, gave me a ticket and talked to me as if i was trying to smuggle a bazooka on the subway. he also gave me a lot of shit for not having a new york license, explaining that if you live in this city for more than 3 months any out of state license is invalid. he yelled at me about this and made me dump out my bag to prove i had no proof of new york address on my. ass.

so this guy was a complete jerk, and when he gave me the ticket i threw it on the train tracks. i got another ticket for this. i was also threatened with public intoxication, harrassing a police officer and generally being a bitch. granted, this time i was drunk and a jerk, but i was still upset. i just don't like getting tickets.


at least i was able to spell tzar two different ways in scrabble.