is any one here a marine biologist?

so the holiday season has come and gone, i went to philly, and well, things just weren't the same as when i was a kid. there were presents, the airing of grievances, an aluminum pole, etc...but it just wasn't the same. this is a pic of me draping myself around my parent's banister. i know, i need a haircut. atleast my lights look pretty. my brother says i look like the predator, but i disagree. i think i look more like that guy dillon who had both his arms cut off, but continued to shoot at the predator. that guy was alright. bang! bang! (arms falling off) bang! bang!


this is my parent's mantle. so terribly un-carl fardman like, i know. i'm sure things will pick up for them soon.


who said you could go out with my butler?


indy would like to know if a court declaring someone to be your butler is customary in our legal system. i had to explain this was not customary, and that's what makes it so funny. indy has forgotten what it''s like to live without oranges.


this is my dad and indy opening indy's first x-mas present. i haven't seen indy this excited since he and i decided on "our song", witchy woman.


my dad had trouble with the wrapping because he couldn't understand the name of the song indy and i chose to be our song. "oh, witch-ay woman."
in this pic indy is getting impatient and is telling my dad that he couldn't smooth a sheet if he had a hot date...


one of indy's presents was a porcupine. we sold it to nbc (nakahama broadcast coorp.)


this is my uncle, catherine the great. i know, who figured i was part russian porcupine?


don't let the fact that "C the great" is a stuffed animal confuse you. he's a bitch. indy liked the fact that he squeeked when you chewed on him.


this is a soap in the form of the eiffel tower. nothing funny about that.


enough with the nonsense. so there are humans in my family. here is my dad with indy making a train out of our cousin, 'wrapping paper face.' indy ate the train. choo! choo!


kick his ass seabass!





my brother dylans is telling the red box that he had an affair with a matador. uno momento por favor.


so people may, perhaps, think i am weird. let me just say that after the family feats of strength i went to poop for a few hours and i returned to the living room and found this pic recently taken. horrifying. what the hell?
anyhoo, in this pic either david puddy is accosting a priest: "we're the devils, the devils! tssssss! tsssssss!" or, one of the seven dwarves mated with the elephant man.

when i was young i wanted to be a baseball...

...but instead, because i have a job, i am now a fire and am twirling, twirling towards freedom.


actually, i have been losing my mind making coffee, learning names of chocolates, and standing up for hours at a time. things were better when i was a bum and had time to "have fun."


so i took a trip to massachusetts. this is a road in Massachusetts.



indy had a good time, despite the two flat tires.


this is indy playing with his new england friend, count chocula.


lucas also came and brought his turkey costume.


but then i had to drive home in the tin can that is my car. oh, and the tires went flat again.


you can see the reflection of my eyeball in this pic. it's whispering to you...hey you, mattingly, i said shave those sideburns!


now there's nothing funny about that. oh god i hate making coffee.

you say this product is known as fudge?

so two things. birthday and job. i have both. above is my job. i sell peace of mind by performing sexual acts. as josh would say, i'm one sexy bitch.


i also had a birthday party on the moon. here is the spaceship galactica that flew us there. can you believe the airfare to the moon has risen to 54 kroners per leg, per person. that's like 108 kroners each way.


seth and indiana making their christmas lists and packing for the trip.


hold on their tubby, you're not on the moon yet. actually, in this picture josh is trying to build a spacesuit out of leah. if you suck the hair off her head the rest is sure to follow. right?


i said, "have you seen my sweatpants?"


i said, "where are my fucking sweatpants, LE-AH?"


right. back to the moon. to celebrate my 11th birthday we went to a moon bar and drank a moon dustbin.


actually, we constructed moon hair for josh using state-of-the-art magnetic fields and jello 1-2-4. yeah, on the moon jello 1-2-3 doesn't exist. what the hell do they do with the frothy layer of jello?


the most non-reality based part of the night was when seth met people he knew. they were from uranus.


and then...and then... we watched josh find true love with a mop.


and it wasn't one of those 'wipe the floor' mops. it was the kind you can put in your mouth and test your fillings with. the best kind. unfortunately, josh doesn't have teeth, so he just gummed it for a bit.


and the verdict is...that mop is alright. good for josh, and good for the mop.


in this pic the mop is putting the moves on josh and is saying, "come on, just the tip."


josh agreed and led the mop into the supplies closet for a bout of 'hide the clorox.' don't worry josh. it's supposed to burn.


and back to me. so...sheena loves my birthday breasts. they're made of lead, moon dust and skin you know? and they're firm. but not too firm.


and then leah made me a moon cake.


which i turned into moon forks and stuck up my moon face.


in this pic sheena and i are connected by a moon hose (not pictured). i am trying to explode my face and sheena is trying to lap it up. don't worry. the hose takes care of the rest. eew.


we left claire at the moon bar. in this pic she is watching our space machine take off. is it me, or is claire, like...huge?


when we returned to earth and passed customs josh and the gang went to an earth bar and had earth beer.


and i went to the sahara desert to stand in line for the bathroom.


and then seth and doodle went on a safari. in this pic doodle is the lioness. grrrr.


this is too funny. i think josh is a retarded dwarf from the wizard of oz.


end communication.

and when is this free weekend?

5 minutes later.





everybody on the floor...walk the dinosaur


this is how i roll


this is how mr dustpan rolls.


ludicrously sexy.


more pictures with more reality based comments to come