needs more dog

so i work in a restaurant where i make coffee, serve food, etc. as such, i have plenty of time to consider the myriad of ways to end my life. i also have time to go balls-shit insane. i have imagined seeing my ex (who robbed my apartment) and gouging her eyes out with a latte spoon, contemplated the possibility that a muppet is indeed a mix between a mop and a puppet, and i have imagined the following conversation:

me:"das is mine shieser."
customer: "ok."

i think this is hilarious.



i have also imagined myself standing behind the barista station dancing, and when someone asks for a drink i just say, "hey, i don't work here. i just dance here." what could they possibly say about this?



i also think it would be funny if my fellow workers and i had a competition to see who could drink the hottest drink. imagine it..."i'm gonna do it...i'm going for 220 degrees! yeah! owwww, owww, owwww!"



things i say that are obnoxious:
one of my co-workers had sore knees and i told him that it was probably the result of his night job as a glory hole operator.

each day we have a 'drink of the day.' this is fine, but boring. i suggested that we have a dinosaur of the day as well as a voice of the day. people thought this was cute until i suggested the voice of the day be helen keller.



my smell:
at work last week it occurred to me that i smell bad. really, really bad. trying to better understand this one of the voices in my head suggested that i smell like a jockstrap. an evil jockstrap. i think this is just about right.

to verify my concern, someone told me that i smell like a burning tire that was shat on by a sumo wrestler. i'll have to do something about this.

i need a man to hug and kiss

so i was walking through the streets of park slope, singing a dido song and shielding myself from the blazing january sun when it occurred to me, 'hey gilhouse, you haven't posted for a long time, right? hmmm...i'm not sure, ask gilhouse, he'll know.'



well, i consulted my sources (thanks josh) and it turns out i have not posted for a while. that josh is one smart alligator.



i planned on posting earlier, but as we all know, the monday shuttle from mars is most difficult to catch, with the cosmonougts and all.



so this is what is most current: i learned to ride dolphins at mach-7 through the straights of gilbralter, and get this... i have a date! i know, i know, after surgically altering myself into a 74-inch likeness of a ken doll, dating seems a moo point (something a cow might say). nevertheless, i figure, someone may be into my smoothed features. and alas, someone may be. and...and... from what the balding vet in the mechanized cart at my local retirement home says, she's got "plenty of limbs" and a "butt that won't quit." thanks old man! works for me.



so it is time to pull my shit together, shine my androgynous parts and clean my apartment. here you can see that i got a haircut and shaved my butt (thanks again for holding the mirror, josh)...



i also ate a bunch of used condoms and alpo (unrelated to the upcoming date)...


cleaned my hello-rapist themed bathroom...



did not clean my kitchen...



built a boat...


took a picture of my bedroom...


and went whaling. wish me luck blog-reading borts!

i'm sorry, the card says moops.

so people know, i will post tomorrow. i have been living under the sea, and have returned to tell people about eating squid packed in it's own ink. mmmm.