yes, eat all of our shirts

so i am in the process of moving my belongings, as people tend to do when they move apartments. usually this is a terrible ordeal where you pack up your stuff, break your back carrying hastily-packed boxes of pornography and rotted fruit, and steadily set up your new quarters that very evening.


in my case, however, moving is more an experience of trapping yourself in your old apartment with a smelly, wet couch no person would ever want to own because it is a smelly, wet couch. in this pic you can see what big shirtless seth, sheena, meagan and i did to ourselves. we eventually got the couch out by sawing the legs off. what a bitch.


since i have been living alone in a big apartment for more than a year i have had the opportunity to collect a lot of crap. as such, i needed to rent a gigantic uhaul. this, however, i was looking forward to because when you get one of these trucks there is usually a very nice picture of a dinosaur, bird, husky or baseball player along the side, and as you drive the truck you think to yourself, "hey, there is a picture of a tyranasaurus on my truck" and make scary noises, like "roar!" for this singular reason i was more than willing to spend about 200 bucks for a few hours use of a orange shit mobile. you can imagine my dissapointment when i saw that my truck had a diagram of arkansas soil. what the hell? talk about your orange pieces of crap. what the hell noise does soil make?


so me and my hired help packed up the arkansas mobile (thanks again for the help guys!) and meagan and i drove it to philly where i unfortunately have to leave my stuff until my new landlord lets me into my new apartment (talk about a hassle). also, as a result of the cataclysmic dissapointment that was the arkansas soil picture, i had a terrible trip down to philly and was hyper-aware that i was driving a million tons of blind-spotted metal down a slippery highway. meagan, on the other hand, had a wonderful time singing and dancing to rod stewart-esque music, which made things worse for me.



while i was in philly i went to a.c. moore where halloween stuff is already displayed. while there i managed to find this wonderful murder she wrote thing, which i emailed to tobs. he never emailed me back to acknowledge my tip calculating willard. jerk.



alvy was happy to have me home.


i also was able to recently watch major league, which i am now certain is the best movie ever. ever. ever. do you remember the scence where harris and cerrano discuss whether jerus christ can hit a curve ball? amazing.


so this is what is left of my pad. it's pretty shitty, seeing how i am studying for a math test and i have no where to sit. i set up some of the camping stuff i have in my car, so i suppose it's not so bad. i'm tobs, i'm tobs!

enjoy your death trap ladies

so blogger finally let me post pictures again, but i'm so irritated i don't really want to follow through with anything. i also feel sick from packing all my belongings and getting excited about the upcoming soccer season. then again, maybe i got the diabetes.



last week, or whenever it was, the butt patrol and i Q'ed and went bowling. this is doctor doom showing us how he splits skulls at the alley. Kaboom! Kaboom!


then claire and josh had sex in my bedroom. claire does things other women won't, like have sex for money. well, not really. claire likes to tickle josh because unlike other humans who chuckle when tickled, josh chirps like a bird. what kind of bird is it again, toby?


josh was happy about the romp with claire and feels he will be ready for the nezt bout by next spring. claire thought josh would have been in better shape.



so we drank in my yard and eventually took a subway machine to a bowling alley that i'm pretty sure was in egypt. at the alley i was overwhelmed by all the goings-on, with the romanian pop music blaring and "tasty sluts" abound. however, there was an issue with the footwear, in that everyone else got cool, retro bowling shoes and i got ebonite brand rental shoes. i mean really, it's bad enough they made me check my hooker at the door and wouldn't let me bowl with a severed head. the alley people really wanted to make me look creepy.


see. josh got real shoes. oh well, the joke is on the bowling alley because i replaced all the pins with hoagies.


the night was amazing. we drank buckets of rolling rocks, rolled heavy balls at pins, then later at hoagies, and engaged with a bartender who, from what my clinical skills allowed me to understand, has a watermelon where his brain should be. this i should say was terrifying. but you wouldn't know that this fellow wanted to either eat your skin (or briefly gnaw on your thumbs) from the way josh casually talked with him. for example, josh would say, "hey, how are you? a bucket of rocks please." then the bartender would get the beer, give it to us and say, "the government!" while sharpening his knives and tying a noose. to this josh would casually respond, "yeah, i'm looking forward to the coming elections as well. hey, is that a knot? i also like to tie things. ok. see you later" as i remained at the bar clutching my thumbs. good job josh.


here are some of our scores.


at the end of the night seth, sheena and i decided to walk to a bar in park slope while out friends decided driving with this wobbly fellow was the best course of action. hey, i know what's wrong with this lesbian bar...


well, you guys missed out because i saw this picture on the way to the bar.

and who can forget dear ratboy?

ah, yes...our beloved grey skull squadron. when it comes to intramural, co-ed soccer, they are one of my top-5 teams. well, maybe they're in the top ten. nevertheless, tonight is game night and golly i hope they can put a "W" on the board.


here is seth from last week. where's the hustle seth? pretty sad, if you ask me.


and rat boy? where's the competitive fire?


even though they didn't win, at the end of the game all participants congratulate each other for not getting kicked in the face or neck. good work guys!


maybe next week you'll win...? we'll see tonight.


here josh is showing us how he touches little children; he starts wit the best part: the neck! i'm joking, of course. in this pic (and i'm serious) josh is demonstrating how he would behave had we elected him team mom. instead of orange slices and well wishes for all participants, josh explained he would instead make a witches brew filled with newt and pedophilia. in this pic he is stirring the cauldron. amazing.


go get 'em crazy-legs josh!

something gay, no doubt

so friday night is upon is us and there are many things to be done. many gay things, that is.


and by gay i really mean that there is intramural, co-ed soccer to be played. or, in my case, there is soccer to be watched. man, there's nothing gayer than a bunch of guys and girls running around a soccer field together.


at last week's game meagan showed us how she plans to be next season's soccer mom, orange slices, koolaid and all.


this is a pic of josh from last week. it's clear that he's on the juice. either that or the skin eating has gotten out of hand again.


this weekend there will also be grilling...of food, mostly. and there will also be tomfoolery, drinking and a phantom smell to be found in my backyard.


this is homosexual seth playing with his homosexual corn from last week's Q. "guilty as charged", says the corn.


claire didn't seem to mind the corn, or seth. she did mind the smell, however.


and i think all of us did mind my tofutti pops. or should i say, tofutti poops. oh yeah, i went there. god i love this picture. reminds me of when toby and i used to smooch.


so as is the style at these Qs, everyone drinks a lot and gets touchy-feely with each other. on an
unrelated note, in this pic you can see claire training for her up and coming sumo tournament.


this is so cute i don't know what to say. actually, it's definitely pretty gay, that's for sure.


the phantom smell was eventually tracked down, and here sheena is making claire verify that the smell is indeed coming from the micky mouse ice cream tucked in her shirt.

so what else is to be expected of this weekend? well, i still need to find an apartment for me, seth and barbara walters, and i only have 3 weeks left to do so. here is a pic of a place i saw twice (different brokers show the same stuff, and i usually pretend that i'm seeing the place for the first time, which is so humiliating, for some reason because i make the same dumb comments, like "oh, this view is nice"). i would post a better pic, but according to my broker, i can't afford a better pic. seems about right.

sounds like you're working for your car

so last week i went to a hippy wedding and i have been trying to think of something funny to comment about. something funny about hippies, that is.


well, first of all, at this wedding there were hippies. and i suppose this that funny. but not ha ha funny. so i'll get to this later. for now, let's have a viewing chew of the vermont scenery. oh good god! can you notice the lack of manhattan? and there is so little brooklyn. it was a nice change of pace.



here is another barn. this may sound a bit strange, but after driving 8 hours i decided to skip the wedding, stay here at this very barn, raise a family of goats. i know, i know, it's very adventurous and will cost many, many monies. but don't worry, i have a plan to support myself: now get this, i'll start an organic ice cream company called ben and gilhouse and i'll hire one of the local bearded men to sweep the sawdust off the floor and to swab the rotors on the forklift. all i need is a picture for the ice cream containers. can someone please provide a picture of a pint of ice cream with a fat bearded man and a herd or army goats?



ah yes...back to the wedding. so the ceremony was on top of a hippy-hill and we all had to walk. up the hippy-hill that is. we also all had roles in the wedding; i played the part of sans testicles, grew out my hair and wore a purple dress. meagan was an umbrella. we then all played dungeons and dragons on acid and went to a george michael concert. terrifying.


the ceremony was very short and to the point. there was a bit of weeping, but nothing like the weeping that caused me to rampage at te last wedding i went to. te usual "do you take this person to be your slave...yadda, yadda, yadda." quite nice. reminded me when toby became my slave. after this was all over we drove through a deluge to get to the reception. i love the rain, it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.


this is where the reception was held. i stayed in te car and ate mushrooms.


this is my car on mushrooms. as you can see, i parked in the sauna section. actually, this is the oven that made my lobster-stuffed-with-tacos dinner. it's a delicacy in vermont, you know.


and here are some of mego's many dates.


and oh, there were foods. many, many foods. i think this was rocky road. or maybe it was chunky monkey. i'm still learning about hippy foods.


the local newspaper heard i was coming into town and decided to run a story. i think the title of the article was something like, "local man has run-in with blimp!"


and oh, right...two people were married. these are those people. who got married. at the wedding. you with me? right. so, this couple was very nice, and they had to be very patient as the many local hippies came to congratulate them. this is a pic of the bride and groom being showered with gifts. "manure? i thought they would bring diamonds!" is wat she is saying here. well, vermont is an agricultural society.

i'm sorry, but ernest borgnine has already been arranged

ah yes, back to te reception...



the reception was quite nice after i had a few beers and pints of ice cream. i also got my groove on in the drum circles.



these are some of my friends getting drunk. it was great for the first few hours, but after that i had to stop drinking...being the designated driver and all. so i stopped with the beer and sat. for hours.


mego and her sister. nice.


local hippy child. also nice. i should have put her in the trunk and brought her back to brooklyn.


this is my lobster-stuffed-with-tacos dinner. as you can see, the furnace did a number on the sides.


meagan likes watching me sober up.


ah yes, people getting their groove on as i sober up. it sucked. actually, what sucked more was this 21-year old russian, jackaninny who was the most obnoxious, pompous jerkstore to roam the fields of hippyland. there are too many stories to relate, so let me just retell what he said while driving up to vermont with some friends when said friends wanted to eat at wendy's: "wendy's? i won't eat that peasant crap." seriously. he also berated my decision to go to med school and told his date that he was in a bad mood after our table's "vapid conversation." at least his pants ripped and we could all see his gross. russian tush.


overall, the wedding was nice and i'm glad i learned to make ice cream on acid while in a drum circle. and i must say, it was kinda fun to watch people humiliate themselves on the dance floor. one of my friends dumped water on her head while dancing, and then passed out on her boyfriend. nice.


this is what is used to make st. john's wort, the medicine. evidently it grows where we ate breakfast.


this was the breakfast. it was very tasty, especially after drinking a bottle of wine in a tepid hot tub the night previous. and oh! at breakfast meagan spilled her coffee on her shirt and legs, and the obnoxious russian dabbed it off while licking his fangs. eew.