your face is my case

so all the hype is about this face analyzer thing is for naught. I figured I should give it a try as well, but the analyzer only analyzes real faces. I didn't appreciate this at all, seeing how my pumpkin face picture really brings out my eyes.


...and it couldn't analyze my ice cream cone.


or the pic of me doing the moonwalk (moon not pictured)


in the pic I used they said I was mostly indian and a bit homosexual. they were correct about the homosexual part, so I suppose the site kind of works.




what would the analyzer say about this one? whatever, the site stinks.

give me the larry fine

so cupcake says the fuzz are after me because i look like a criminal. isn't that right, cupcake? anyhow, in response to my recent experiences with the law i decided to change my appearance and went to the local hairdresser (my hello kitty bathroom). i asked for the larry fine and this is evidently the larry fine (pictured above). i guess now i really look the part of a hardened inmate. oops. i imagine if i walk around with my camera on my face people will stop giving me shit, assuming i'm disturbed. take that you bitches.


last night seth, josh, claire and sheena and i had dinner (thanks seth, it was snacktacular!). the evening began well. we discussed literature, film and politics. after a few drinks, however, we began making jokes about duties, breaking glasses, spilling beers and calling each other operatives. sheena even needed a bandaid at one point!


why does that always happen josh? why?

gilhouse almost goes to jail?

so it has come to my attention that i may have a problem with authority. either that or i am really bad about not breaking the law. for example, last summer when i moved apartments i got ticket for being double parked; there were many people moving this day, and i was the only one who got a ticket on my block (even though there were like 20 double parked cars on my block). in this particular lawless situation i parked my car in front of my apartment and ran up the stairs to get a box or something. when i got to my floor i saw out of the window that a lady officer was approaching my car. i ran downstairs and saw that she and her dipshit partner were writing me a ticket, claiming they had been waiting in front of my car for more than 5 minutes, trying to give me the opportunity to move it. this is such bullshit! why is it that cops can lie like this and try and make it seem like they are giving you a break? well, i kinda got in trouble because i yelled at the lady cop and said it was bullshit. she got upset at this (for some reason) and gave me another ticket for assaulting an officer. either that or she threatened me with this ticket. i think she may have, because she said something like, "what's that? keep talking buddy boy...etc." bitch.


oh, here is alvy. he just lost his leg to a raccoon. he seems to be doing well enough.


and here is a lunch i made in my yard.


the knife was delicious.








and oh, whenever i protest these tickets the department of finance sends me something that says my complaint was reviewed, and because i cannot support my claims, i still have to pay the fine. what the hell do they want, a video of me parking my car? no matter what you do in this city you get a paddling. looking out the window? that's a paddling. staring at a cop's sandles? that's a paddling. paddling the school canoe? oh, you better believe that's a paddling. what a bunch of jerks.


maybe i should just mail this to that meter maid bitch who lied to me.


during the spring i also had my car towed twice in one day. (pictured are two tickets for something else.) it wasn't even my car (it was my brother's, and for some reason he said he was too busy to take care of it and made me move it at 2am after my shift ended)! so, of course it got towed. i didn't find this out until a few days later and had to pay an extra 20 bucks a day for city storage, $185 for the tow, and $75 for the parking fine. i picked up the car, paid the tow charge, parked it, went to work, and when i went to move it later that day it was gone. while i thought it was funny that my brain kept repeating the phrase, "dong, where is my automobile?", i still had to pay all this shit all over again. fuckers.

the pisser about this round of fines was that the tickets weren't even based in reality! i think one of them was for something like 'having only four wheels', and another was for parking in a 'no gilhouses' zone. what a bunch of bitches. when i protested these tickets they told me to stick it. how am i supposed to contest that i wasn't too close to a hydrant? should i take pictures every time i park? bitches.


and oh, most recently i got into a verbal altercation with a cop and almost got myself arrested. this occurred last week, i think, and was because i got caught doubling up through a turnstile on the subway. some ass cop saw me, gave me a ticket and talked to me as if i was trying to smuggle a bazooka on the subway. he also gave me a lot of shit for not having a new york license, explaining that if you live in this city for more than 3 months any out of state license is invalid. he yelled at me about this and made me dump out my bag to prove i had no proof of new york address on my. ass.

so this guy was a complete jerk, and when he gave me the ticket i threw it on the train tracks. i got another ticket for this. i was also threatened with public intoxication, harrassing a police officer and generally being a bitch. granted, this time i was drunk and a jerk, but i was still upset. i just don't like getting tickets.


at least i was able to spell tzar two different ways in scrabble.

taking the browns to the superbowl, part one

so i woke up at five in the morning to drive down to see toby and our nerdlinger frends in north carolina. the drive took forever and i didn't bother to ask toby for directions, so i suppose that made things a bit worse. when i arrived i had to meet these fellows at a bar where they had already been drinking since 9am, and when i asked toby how to find this bar he essentially told me to turn the car topwise. thanks toby. i at least got to watch the us squad crap in their pants in the second half of their match.


after the us match we retired to toby's to sober up for an hour. here is the man of the hour. i would like to have sex with him, if you get my drift.



this is seth and joshy-poo in front of toby's butt palace. seth is demonstrating how to bend his elbow while josh is trying to figure out who seth is.


like our recent trip to romania, we planned to drink enough to kill an elephant or a herd of large urine monkeys . as such, we ordered a cab to take us to one of toby's local drinking holes.


i needed to get things going, so i ordered beer with a side of beer sauce.


after only one day toby was already tired of seth and his antics. toby is also very tired from the previous night's skin eating. isn't that always the way...you get nuts with the skin eating.


like romania, we felt it important to embrace the local culture. as such, seth ordered the alligator special with a side of bones.


and toby also ordered a southern specialty. i couldn't get a good look at what he got, but i'm pretty sure it was a lizard. either that or chemistry set.


none of us really ate our food, seeing how we needed to save belly room for beers. so it was off to the bar...

taking the browns to the superbowl, part deux

this is us on the way to the bar. toby and josh are discussing whether it was worth the while to have bothered with dinner and seth is trying to explain that the earth revolves around the sun.


i didn't care about anything they were saying, seeing how i was already dancing at the bar. can i get a witness? whoa!


josh is one of my more stubborn friends. when he has a point to make, he makes it. in this pic he was trying to convince us that eyes are completely unnecessary and that faces look better when inside out. seth took the opportunity to put bugs in josh's beer.


what a bunch of clowns.


so we got in our groove at the bar and proceeded to take turns buying each other rounds. this was so much fun because each pbr was $1.50! i bought a round, left a tip, and still had change! change!


afore mentioned round.


this is josh and me playing our latest chart topper, walk like an egyptian.


i think we are playing scrabble in this picture.


and oh yes. could someone please tell me what this is supposed to mean.


what will happen next?

taking the browns to the superbowl, part triceratops

after drinking all of the pbr in the bar we moved on to whisky.
in this pic i'm ordering toby to clean my pee. clean my pee!


after the whisky we moved on to the high life...


and maybe there was more whisky. not sure. excelcior!


josh has a rare condition called bonus eruptus. you can see the bones trying to make their way through his nerf-like skin.


so after drinking 12+ beers, a round of whisky and a few pints of draino we went out to an all-night chicken joint. i met a nice southern girl named shit on a bun. i'm kidding of course. her name was shit on a biscuit.



so at this fried chicken joint you can only order two things: skin or fried skin. i think seth got the cobb salad with a side of buttered mosquito.

at this establishment either toby or one of his jerk friends made a jerk comment to the scary man and his mountain of chicken carcasses sitting across from us. i think the comment was something like, "hey, that's a lot of chicken over there. you gonna eat all that by yourself?" i thought this very strange because first of all, in new york you never talk to anyone, and secondly, if you do speak to someone, you definitely don't make sarcastic comments about their food. evidently strangers talk to each other and ask questions/make jokes about their food in restaurants in the south. why is that josh?


in the morning we woke up in toby's harem and pulled it together. my alarm went off at 5am and i made toby turn it off. that was the best. remember that toby? here is a picture of seth realizing he broke his glasses once again.


when we woke up we realized josh never came home. evidently josh remained at the all-night barf joint. this is a pic of him carousing for "tasty bitches." go get 'em tiger.


we eventually coralled josh and went out to brunch. josh had the roasted scrotum slathered in twice baked butt sauce. i think there were cooties in his meal. or at least one cooty.



i had the normal breakfast.



toby then took us to see his jerk campus.



and then we went to a castle. we ran into some forest ruffians, and in this pic you can see josh is planning to fight by shoving his thumb up the forest monsters' asses. i'm not sure if that is going to work josh. can't you just use a trash can lid?



after the castle we went out for some iced creams and a nice round of sitting. toby drove seth and josh to the airport and i went back to tob'y to decompress.



i saw this show on the tv machine about a sebastian bach, a ted nugent, a bass player, a guy from that band anthrax and bunch of other balls-shit insane rockers living in the same house. it was amazing. ted nugent, when not being a misogynist, shoots arrows into a fake deer. look toby, you dohave things in commen with these soputherners!



the next night toby and i went out to watch the 'canes take home the stanely cup. it was quite nice, seeing how the flyers will never do this in my lifetime.


and then we went back to toby's and i hoisted my own trophy...a chicken trophy with extra trophy sauce. and oh, at some point toby and i saw this documentary movie about daniel johnston. man was it a great movie, and boy is he a crazy man, and man was it a great movie.



and then it was time to drive back to brooklyn. our last hurrah was waffle house...


where toby had the wadded beef with a side of creamed eel and "wigglers." i have no idea what wigglers are, but it sounds funny.


i had the brains with extra smokey bone sauce and jam.


the drive home was terrible, as i knew it would be. i took some more pics but blogger won't let me post them. sorry.