well krusty, that depends on what you mean by crisis

so i found out last tuesday that i lost my job. if you have never experienced this let me tell you, it is the equivalent of someone fucking your ocular cavity and using gravel as lubricant. not the best.

after i heard i was screwed out of my job i came home to discover that indy had eaten not only my favorite pillow, but also part of one of my cd cases! what the hell? at least he saved me one of my smog albums.

it is now monday...what the hell does one do with themselves with no job? i tried listening to npr, but in case people don't know, daytime npr is just like reruns of classic krusty. maybe i will write my memoirs, "gilhouse, i hardly knew myself." or, maybe the more appropriate title is, "will there ever be a rainbow?"



the culprit




we celebrated josh's birthday at buttermilk. leah made the most amazing cake, and we ate every little bit. and i know what your thinking, that cake is so hot and is making eyes at me. i thought the same thing. however (and let me save everyone the humiliation i had endure) don't even bother because that cake was so prude. it totally led me on, and then after like 2 hours of talking (and me thinking, "i'm so going to get there tonight") the cake was like, "yeah, my boyfriend also likes to drink beer. you would really like him." what kind of shit is that? i'm so sick of sweets leading me on like this, and then saying that we should be friends. who wants a friend?



those clowns are at it again.




josh during his birthday speech. at this juncture he is saying, "all children who are not sixteen years old...are now sixteen years old. furthermore, from now on underwear will be worn on the outside. silence!" i think the birthday power has gone to his head.



seth says to toby, "i would like the roast duck with mango salsa." gumball says, "i'm sorry i don't have much of an appetite right now." toby tells seth something about his womb ferret. gross.




this is my view when i passed out on the table. i wasn't drunk, it just seems that way because i am so awesome.

it's a write-off

so halloween is fast approaching and i need a costume. this is what i have come up with so far...i will dress as a retarded 5 year old who is dressed as a special forces jungle commando. this is the commando's arm band. i think that while this is exceptionally shitty, it is also a good balance offensive and awesome.

seriously. i just got a tattoo and i wasn't sure what to get. i told the woman in the tattoo parlor that i wash myself with a rag on a stick, so she suggested i get a bunch of rags tattooed on my upper arm. i think it came out quite nicely...very realistic. i think my next tattoo will be a butterfly on my ankle.



of course i am kidding. i have already decided to dress up as a distant relative of edward scissor hands...i will be edward hoagie hands and it will be the best night of my life.




i actually got the gilhouse moniker tattooed, and alas, this is what it looks like so far.



people ask what getting a tattoo feels like. well...so far it has taken more than 15 hours to have the gilhouse moniker forever inked into my arm, so i have had much time to think of a way to explain the pain of a tattoo. to me, getting a tattoo is like trying to shit through your nostrils, or being forced to start a brush fire with your testicles.

adequate sustenance for the dr. who marathon

this past tuesday was josh's big birthday, and according to tradition, we took him to white castle for and all you can eat barf fest. this is josh and seth on the way to our local white castle. seth is hoping no one finds the severed head in his bag.




here we are.




this comely fellow is the man responsible for grilling the "meat" into submission. at the top of the picture you can see the gun he uses to treat the grilling specimens. no joke. this is a real gun with live ammunition. i didn't know this until i started eating at white castle, but the meat is so low grade that it is actually alive with microbes, protozoa and amoebas. what that means, essentially, is that because the burgers are still alive it is very possible for the meat to try and flee the grill. when this happens the employee on the grill riddles the meat with bullets. awesome.




i thought it would be nice to purchase josh one of those trinkets you always find in shopping centers...he wanted one of the toys from the "homies" series.




why is there a beaver where you retrieve your homie?




josh's homie turned out to be a tape worm. no joke. worst present ever.




we purchased josh a crave case, a sack of chicken rings, and one order of fried clam strips.




it is clear that josh is an experienced competitive eater. he knows that to force feed thousands of calories in a very short amount of time you need to "get in the zone." whenever we do crazy shit like this josh grunts, beats his chest and smashes his head into walls while shouting, "GET IN THE ZONE JOSH! GET IN THE FUCKING ZONE!" then his expression changes and it is almost like he becomes a different person...a zombie josh. heck, if ain't broken, don't try and fix it. that's what i say.




josh actually does not know what is in the crave case...he is very confused because he figured the contents of a crave case would be predicated on what he 'craved' at that moment. in this picture josh is visibly upset not find a dead prostitute.




when you get a crave case there is an oath on the inside of the lid. it is hard to make out the writing in this picture, so i will break it down for you. essentially, the oath says something like, "i hereby swear on this day, on the twentieth day of september in the year 2005 of our lord jesus christ, to have the most explosive diarrhea, the most provocative bowel obstruction, and most depleted innards, so save me lord. no foolin.



since i am 11 feet tall i am fortunate to have the capacity to eat many of these "burgers." i figured through trial and error that the flavors come to life if you sneeze on the chicken ring-burger combo.




this is doodle's dinner, and there are so many things wrong with it. where is the oath? how come the chicken is not in ring form? how can you expect to get sick from eating this? sometimes i just don't get people.




these are some of our leavins.







happy birthday josh.

ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves

so i awoke this morning, basked in the thought that all my friends were most likely on trains or just walking into their stupid-idiot-for jerks-jobs, and when i walked out into my yard with a warm cup of billy i noticed that there is now fur where there didn't used to be fur.




that is, i now have some lovely purple flowers blooming.




ra has clearly rewarded my unemployment. i named this little fellow 'poor violet' because it has the whooping cough.

write parents' brains on a 3x5 card

it's been a busy weekend. so, i have made a longish post for all my loser friends who are at work early monday morning. and, so you guys know, i am currently drinking beer and plan to do so tomorrow morning.

unemployment rules.


the weekend began with an early round of golf with my brother. he's the giant metal structure in the background of the first picture.




i went to my parents' house to pick up my puppy. this is my parents' home. i'm the skinny white pole running down the side of the building.




this is indy using our new matter transporter in our backyard in brooklyn. it only transports matter, so it's not so good.




indy reminded me that the wolf spider could have survived the rake attack from last week. he's checking it out.




"the coast is clear," says indiana.




when i got home i also realized that i still do not have a wife. it's the pedophilia, isn't it?




i went to josh's to watch the eagles ass rape the 49'ers. this is bunnicula demonstrating how to prevent afore-mentioned ass rape.




there has been a lot going on at josh's/sarah's/evonne's home this week. evidently, there is a fashion event that evonne was tirelessly working on (i know nothing about this because i am unemployed and super cool...that's why i have my own gilhouse action figure). anyhow, fashion is on everyone's minds. this is sarah showing us how to turn a cat into a handbag. it's supposed to be the hip thing for 2006.







we ordered from diggity dog, and in case you can't make out my personal feast, i ordered the throw up dog, two rc colas (and for some abstracted reason, i was calling them magnet box colas and panaphonics colas), and a slaw dog. i also proceeded to poop out my lungs (not pictured).




this is a picture of my throw up dog. the funny thing about this is i hadn't yet taken a bite of it when i took this picture. i think that because the throw up dog is such a powerful feast, its powers must be harnessed within seconds of opening the box. so, beware weirdo bloggers. if you would like to enjoy your local shit dog, eat it before it collapses into itself like a neutron star.






when i came home indy was passed out. he hits the sauce pretty hard.





zombie indy says, "walk me or i eat your brains."




he sure does enjoy a good brain.

the triumverate of twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve

as an addendum to the red lobster eating contest i forgot to mention something very funny. when josh was on his third course of fried shrimp he said, "i think eating that strawberry was a mistake." you see, this is very funny because a strawberry is good for you, nutrition wise, while 4 pounds of all you can eat shrimp is not so good for you.




this is what i imagine josh could have looked like eating the dreaded strawberry. as we know, josh is a man that enjoys his taffy.

i took the spruce moose

so yesterday i was driving home to philly to pick up my puppy...i was rocking out to richard marx (or was it natalie imbruglia?) when i noticed a smell not unlike shit. the funny thing about this was that my first thought was, "oh goodness, have i unknowingly shit myself?" after some intense probing i realized i was not the culprit. i did not hit an animal, and while i knew i was in new jersey, i did not imagine this state could have a general odor so akin to shit.

after a more thorough survey of my surroundings i realized i was coming upon some sort of facility, some sort of manufacturing plant. i don' t know much of anything, but based on my calculations this is the type of place that manufactures pre-soiled diapers.




this in indy explaining to me that the smelly outpost was most likely a rendering plant.










indy is not a good passenger. he drools in the car like none other. for his sake i did not take a picture of the mess he left behind.